31 July 2005
Vidal Gassoon
Beautician farts journalist unconscious

Deluded Amy performs a dance over a comatose journalist after toasting him wth gas

image courtesy of Jim "The Anvil"
A Martinis reporter was gassed Tuesday while on assignment at Amy's Delusions. On just his second day on the job, Tom Shave suffered minor injuries from a fall after being knocked unconscious by noxious fumes. Shave knocked on the door and was put into a headlock by Amy who suffocated him with a Vidal Sassoon blow-dryer attached to her ass. Shave said Amy forced him to breathe the posionous fumes, then performed a strange dance over his body. The man woke and saw Amy jiggling like the gopher in Caddyshack with a 4-inch exhaust tube dangling from her rear end. The tube was rigged to the hair dryer and transported Amy's gas over the dryer's heated coils. Shave said he remembers Amy eating what he called "fart food." He said Amy consumed inordinate amounts of hard-boiled eggs, raw garlic, and beer before almost shitting into the contraption, knocking him unconscious for the better part of two hours. City officials say Amy uses the apparatus on customers to get them to talk. Normally having the lip-loosening effect of sodium pentothal, Amy's gas was tripled in power after her feeding frenzy and almost killed Shave. Strangely, all this came as an opportunity to Coal Dock commando Wild Bill Kurt who has already made a fortune selling military-grade gas masks up and down 21st Street.

Ronnie Republican
Orlando linked to state coin scandal
Federal investigators' search for the missing money in the Ohio coin catastrophe was called off Friday when Ron Orlando's name was found on a memo at the State Department. An FBI spokesman said several thieves transported the money to Ronnie's basement where he was managing it with a small backhoe. In the middle of the night, the thieves slid 6 million dollars in 50-dollar bills down a chute in the back of Orlando's home. A closer look at the chute by investigators revealed it lead down into secret subbasement over 25 feet underground. The thieves were apparently trying to stash the cash and wait out the investigation. When they went to retrieve the money, agents were treated to over 150 years of American numismatic history, not to mention an old Ashtabula streetcar, and part of the Skyway drive-in. Despite the loss, Ronnie was allowed to keep an FBI uniform and 3 Buffalo Nickels which he said belonged to his brother Bob.

Public Tangsportation
AL's chauffeur runs bus system
Just when people thought they'd seen the bottom of Dancing AL's bag of tricks, Al's chauffeur, Jose, appears out of nowhere. Al's driver for 15 years, Jose has been running a shuttle service to drum up even more business for the already booming Pizza Tang. Jose has been traveling to the far reaches of Erie in a black limousine, accomodating the Amish and hundreds of disabled sailors. Jose says skyrocketing Tang sales don't surprise him. "Dancing AL, he know wah he do amigo," said Jose. A native of Nicaragua, Jose is able to speak to Albert in pidgin English. Citizens of Erie say they welcome the convenience, and are willing to try the mysterious spicy cuisine. Wednesday, Al called the fire department when a ship captain scratched his balls after eating a 6-piece Tang.

Mulch Monsters
Neighbors bury each other in compost
Two men buried each other in mulch this week in a violent dispute over landscaping technique. The two men began flinging mulch at each other around 4pm Wednesday after one man said the other needed a "refresher course" in landscaping. Neighbors said they heard a man yelling "That's the ticket! That's the ticket!" but couldn't make heads or tails out of the argument. By 5 o'clock a passing thunderstorm had drenched the area, but it was too late. The men found themselves shoulder-deep in wet, heavy mulch and were unable to move. After about a half hour of screaming the men were rescued, but not before being examined by several passing animals. The dreaded "Donger" effect made the mulch monsters practically unapproachable to rescuers. People on the scene had no choice but to wait 15 minutes for Wild Bill Kurt and his gas mask cart.

Dave Coast to sing at Harbor Days