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Jay Vegas   Dancing AL   Joneses   Guestbook   Turkey  26 August 2001 
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New Scoop

Don't Bother Bob
B.O. Reads on Pot
Over at brother Ter's, Big Bob O drops the brown anchor, but doesn't miss the latest issue of Brunswick magazine.

Nutty Professor
New House Makes Waves in Neighborhood
Seen here in his new Swedetown palace, Professor Marty Shula inspects his future study at the rear of the home.

A Class on Buoyancy
Ashtabula Man to Teach Course in Beer Management
Kent State Ashtabula is welcoming a new course this fall. Ashtabula partyers are invited to attend orientation for Beer Keg Buoyancy 1002 beginning September 3rd in the Mt. Carmel bus garage. The course's instructor, buoyancy expert Terry Ontario, says his many years as chairman of the annual Summer Slosh bash have given him a sixth sense. Ontario can pick up a beer keg with one hand and tell you within half a can how much beer is remaining inside. "If some high schooler tells you a keg's done, lift it up," says Terry, "There's usually about 15 beers left in there." Kent State says the new course should help Ashtabula drunks use their beer more efficiently, as well as spark up some party action in town. Mr. Ontario has a master's degree in buoyancy, a certificate of keg acrobatics, and is not Canadian.
Who Farted?
Neighborhood Hosts Fart Contest
The 1st Annual Harbor Avenue Fart Contest was held this week. Participants gathered on the hill behind Dirt's to grease their asses and eat baked beans in preparation for the event. Best Fart went to Angie Nort who torched his ass gas 25 feet with a Bic lighter after devouring 3 plates of Loretta's baccalà. Longest Fart went to farter-on-command Marc Varckette who sustained a "dying duck" tone of 4 minutes and 28 seconds without interruption. Most Creative Fart went to sidemouth talker Tony Orlando who arrogantly sidefarted out of the side of his asshole, stupifying the crowd. Lastly, Raunchiest Fart went to Big Tom Saint who engulfed hundreds of spectators in a fart bomb cloud that witnesses said "smelled like bacon, toejam, and Metamucil."
Neighborhood TV Schedule
8pm - "Your Shoe's Untied" with host Mark Orlando
8:30pm - "Smart" with Ann Guerini. Find out who's smart.
9pm - "60 Minutes (of Bullshit)" with reporter Billy Bullshit. Know less after you finish watching.
10pm - "Flippo" with Duggie.
10:30pm - "You Asshole!" with Ange Notarianni
11pm - "Take it Easy" hosted by Dave Sav
11:30pm - "Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous" with Sam and Cindy
12:30am - "You Wanna Treat?" with Al Guerini. Let the dogs out with Alan.
1am - "Lemme Tell Ya Somethin" with Terry Guerriero
1:30am - "You Guys Are Barred" starring Mark, Marty, Michael, Jason, and Vince
2am - "Shut Up, Dummy" with Mike Valentic
2:30am - "Later" with Andy. It can't get any later.

Old Scoop
Want to find any story we've run since 1997? Get caught up with last week's headlines right here or search month by month in the Complete Scoop Archive. Even tell us what's really going on with Martinis Submit-a-Scoop.

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