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Quando Quando Quando
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Ange sings Harbor Avenue blues
photo by PAT
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Ever wish you could have recordings of those passionate tunes Ange Notarianni sings while working in the yard? The wait is over! Now, for the first time on Harbor Avenue, you can enjoy all the magic of Ange right in your own home with our new collection of the greatest macho love songs of all time: "Angelo Love." You'll relax for hours listening to this vinyl record set complete with hits like "River of Love", "You Got the Lake (in your ass)," and the Toni Renis classic, "Quando Quando Quando." Forget about other imitation collections, these are the classics you've heard right from the shandy. If you order now you'll also get a copy of "Ange Whistles Perry Como," two hours of the warmest, most memorable whistle the world will ever know. Music available on three vinyl LPs or two 8-track cassettes. Money orders and Diner's Club accepted. Order NOW!
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Two of a Keim
Last name baffles family
For the past few months, many St. Angelos have been trying to get a grip on the last name of the latest and greatest guy to marry into the family, Kenny Keim. Problems with Keim currently range from difficulty in pronunciation to outright refusal to vocalize the word. "His mother must be Italian," said one person. Most of Harbor Avenue agrees the peculiar last name will pose considerable problems for Ken and wife Tina when naming their new baby. It doesn't take Hans Blix to realize the uncompromisingly German-sounding surname rules out any possibility for a traditional Italian first name like "Joe" or "Domenic." Fans waiting for "Sammy Keim" will also be out of luck because the couple already said it sounds too much like a Vegas used car dealer. Inside sources say the last name should force the couple to go for one of the vanilla first names of modern times like "Colin" or "Scott." If it's a girl, Tina and Ken say they aren't ruling out a variation on "Cristina," like "Chrissy," "Christie," or even "Christmas Keim," a showstopper for the holidays. Sonny and Cher, when asked how they are dealing with the situation, said they don't give a damn as long as the kid mows his lawn in January.
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Wing-a-Billy
Local woman makes chicken for hillbillies
To help with the city's growing need for efficiency, an Ashtabula woman is doing her part to see good food doesn't go to waste. For the past two weeks, 30-year-old Lonnie Walker has been busy making "wing-a-billys," chicken wings made from recovering drug chickens. As unbelievable as it seems, Walker is taking chickens with drug addictions and turning them into supper for the city's less finicky eaters. Although the chickens are normally destroyed because of the obvious health risk, the woman says the meat is still good for hillbillies. Additionally, Lonnie says making wing-dings from strung out fowl has enabled her to really cut costs. A 20-piece wing-a-billy bucket is currently free for those with their D-12 card, $2.99 for everyone else at Walker's wing-a-billy stand on Bridge Street. Caught at the Lake Shore Park Corral, Miss Walker swore her hillbilly chicken wings don't make her a hillbilly. Anybody who thinks different, she said, hasn't tried her hot garlic crank.
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TOP TEN IRRESISTIBLE SHOTS AT KEIM'S LAST
NAME
10. Keim after Keim
9. Two nickels short of a Keim
8. Partners in Keim
7. Keim on You Crazy "Diamond" (ha! ha!)
6. Calvin Keim
5. A Thin Red Keim
4. Keimese Twins
3. Sign of the Keims
2. NFL Keimtime
1. Yo what's the KEIM? It's Keim to get ill
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Martinis follows Doug to the mailbox
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Mystery Question answer: Contaminated water
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