Nurse Nick Lashes Out - North Kingsville Nightingale loses her cool
| Cousin Nick got his feathers ruffled last week as Martini's picnic flyer prompted him to write a nasty e-mail to the editor. Under the strict tutelage of Father Sam, Nurse Nick claims he knows exactly how much chicken and ribs cost and that Martini's accusations were unfounded. "He was way outta line," explained Nicky in |
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| a closed interview at the Kingsville Library, "he's trying to drive a spike through the St. Angelo family." In an effort to protest, Nick says he will rid himself of his nurse uniform and run around ACMC in a hospital gown and shower cap for as long as it takes everyone to come to Kingsville for a picnic. |
Gina St. Sammons-Gage-Angelo? - Too many last names cripple rebuttal letter
| Family members were baffled last week as they read a response to Martini's flyer. Apparently mass-mailed to everybody by someone from The Hill, the rebuttal was filled |
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| with emotion, but unorganized in its purpose. "Aunt Anna never donated any leg of lamb," said Lanes spokesman Drew Manyo, "she may o' cooked it er whatever." Many thought the letter contained too many unsupported theories. Martini polls show many family members outraged at who the letter thinks is "trying to keep the family together." In one survey, 61% of family members said the letter was ineffective because of all the confusion over who actually wrote it. |
TAG ME BABY! - Alzheimer's disease runs rampant at picnic
| A widespread case of Alzheimer's disease amongst family members was nipped in the bud last Sunday as the picnic committee was quick to distribute nametags to all |
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picnic goers at gametime. The early signs of the disease were apparently noticed in the morning on Sunday when some members of the Guerini party kept calling everyone "Mai-Tai." Adding to the problem, an ACTS van full of Geneva senior citizens on their way to another picnic was mysteriously rerouted to Savarise's sideyard. To the delight of the picnic committee, the disembarking old ladies, though confused, paid up, were tagged, and said all their nephews looked much taller and more handsome.
Unconfirmed reports tell Martini's that the nametagging was done in an effort to familiarize certain non-family husbands and fiancés with Harbor Avenue. Although the picnic committee was not available for comment, sources close to Martini have revealed the price of the tags at $485. |
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