10 July 2005
Amy's Delusions
Rogue hairdresser rocks Neighborhood

Disoriented customers stagger across East 21st Street hoping to get to their cars after being deluded by Amy's Delusions

image courtesy of Jim "The Anvil"
Wash and cut $19, Delusions FREE! That's what the sign says at Amy's Delusions beauty salon in East Ashtabula. Diluting shampoo and deluding customers, the Pinocchio of haircutters reached her delusionary peak Friday morning when she attached an elderly woman to a homemade gossip detector. Eighty-five-year-old Gran Signora resident Mable Kinny was halfway through her permanent when she realized the dryer she was under was actually a mind control helmet designed to sap her brain. Feeling light-headed, Mable saw Amy giggling in the corner and immediately got out from underneath the dryer, hobbling out of the shop without her walker. Mrs. Kinny told Martinis complex wiring behind the dryer unit indicated that the signal was channeled into an oversized electric typewriter adorned with protractors and Tupperware. When asked about the incident, Amy was in the middle of a large steak sandwich, but seemed only concerned that the woman walked out without paying. "I give her three huge scoops and that's the thanks I get," said Amy. The beautician is under fire for deluding Ashtabulans about three Neighborhood dignitaries and has attracted a considerable amount of attention because of some strange goings-on in the shop. Sources say Amy forces her customers to watch the Facts of Life where Amy imitates her favorite character, Tootie. Customers are forced to get up and act out little skits, or be left in rollers. Amy has also been huffing Aquanet and passing gas into the blow-dryer. Hypnotized by Martinis, Amy was finally coaxed into giving Neighborhood residents a subliminal answer as to what drives all her delusions. "I don't -- Scottie and Lori -- know what you guys are -- Scottie -- talking about -- Lori," said Amy. At risk of becoming a laughingstock and devastated by her recent loss of pull with the City, Amy admits to getting a little carried away with her delusions. Last week Tootie accidently covered two members of the Red Hat Society in Magic Shell.

Last Tang-O in Erie
Dancing AL returns, sells pizza and tang
Flanked by NFL All-Pro wide receiver Ahmad Rashad and an entourage of Playboy bunnies, Palm Beach prince of Polo clubs Dancing AL opened a new pizza parlor in Erie Thursday. Rashad, a close friend of Al, came up the east coast in a cigar boat to sample Al's quintessential recipe, chicken wings with "tang." Asked to better describe what it is, Al just shouted, "Fuckin torture you FUCK! You want a little tang?!" at the top of his lungs. Brought in from sunny Florida, most of the restaurant's equipment should be pretty warm anyway, requiring little power to cook the tang. Al, who made his mark in Ashtabula on Main Street with pleated pants and a devastating macaroni and cheese, calls his new place hip. Dancing AL's boasts fresh canal water, a Cedar Point-style mine ride, and canine waiter, Rocky "The Shit Machine."

Tag Gag
Name tags found on Harbor Avenue
A box of name tags was found on Harbor Avenue late Thursday afternoon. Postman Mousey Benedict was making his rounds when he encountered the half-open box at the corner of East 21st Street. Weighing in at over 35 pounds, the box appeared to be a mail-order batch of stick-on name tags bearing the names of several Harbor Avenue area residents. The Mouse said the package had been tampered with and was stripped of its destination address. Also included in the box were two new decks of playing cards. Mousey said he's confident the proper recipient will be found, but joked that he may use the new decks of cards in his weekly pinochle game. In other news, the St. Angelo family 4th of July picnic was canceled this year due to a lack of turnstyles for the food line.

10. Pitfall I and II - The Pickaxe: Used to "dig through the floors"
9. SubRoc - "The Hydrofoil"
8. Donkey Kong Jr. - You could fly piggyback on the birds
7. Food Fight - "The Avocado Rack"
6. Elevator Action - You could hide on the escalator
5. Jungle Hunt - You could take the submarine
4. Time Pilot - "The Water Rack"
3. Frogger - You could get the superjump
2. Centipede - "The Black Hole"
1. Colecovision's Rocky Boxing - The Apollo Creed Trunks

Spice returns to channel 55