22 July 2007
Mannequin held at gunpoint, gets boner

A surveillance camera captures a Hispanic man threatening what police say might be a stolen underwear model.

In an incredible act of bravery this week, the School Board Mannequin escaped from City Hall and foiled a robbery at a harbor gas station. At 9:45pm Friday evening, a woman working behind the counter said a man with a gun had just entered the establishment when the mannequin appeared at her side. The woman said it was not shaken by the intruder's threats. The mannequin was staring down the robber when she noticed a buldge in its briefs. After a few seconds she realized the otherwise motionless figure was getting a hard-on. Fumbling with the cash register drawer, the man watched in horror as the mannequin's swelling member slammed it shut. Standing with a full boner, the mannequin grunted at the thief. The intruder was so freaked out by the scene he became hysterical, screaming in Mexican and fleeing the mini-mart with a jar of salsa. The woman claims the mannequin saved her life but disappeared seconds after the incident. Four major department stores have now been ordered to report any missing floor models. The robbery and the woman's account of it are still under investigation.

Wedding Boobs
Maid's boobs bigger than bride
Chris Lengel's 7-7-2007 wedding celebration was supposed to bring good luck, but what it brought was a week-long celebration of Angela's boobs. At a slew of pre-wedding parties on Harbor Avenue, Angela seized the opportunity to showcase her pride and joy, outdoing herself at the triple-7 reception at Mt. Carmel. Guerini, whose enormous bazongs forced Hanes Corporation to introduce hexadecimal bra sizes, charmed the audience with boob tricks, lighting matches and carrying Chrissy around in her cleavage. But the laughs wore off as Angela got drunker. People began to get sucked into the boobs. After losing several pieces of jewelry, handkerchiefs, and hair pieces, guests themselves were pulled into Angela's boobs -- many never to return. Two bridesmaids lunging for the bouquet had no chance as they disappeared into the boobs, together with the flowers and a 300-pound auxiliary policeman who came to their aid. Taking advantage of the confusion, the groom lodged his head in Angela's cans for ten minutes before he was pulled out smiling. Several intellectuals were in attendance, including two physicists who were concerned about the gravitational anomaly caused by the boobs. By the end of the wedding Angela's boobs had tripled in size and began to undulate, busting out of her dress and onto the floor. Guerini then descended into a boob trance where she spun around with blinding speed, slugging vodka and going "Yeeeeeeahhhhhh Woooooooooo!!!!" All tables caught in the radius of the spin were wiped out and the reception was called. Guerini's cazongs sent two elderly couples into the grandstand and were charged with assault. Guys doing.

Bazaar Brutality
Beaten blacks depant church worker
Two black kids were thrown out of the Mt. Carmel Bazaar for cheating last weekend. The boys were up $10 at the Over / Under table when they met their match, Mike Valentic. Valentic said he was trying to tune in a baseball game on his transistor radio when he noticed the boys moving and removing their bets after the roll was completed. Mike calmly asked the boys to leave, but when they refused, Valentic pummeled them with a pop-up baton commonly used in law enforcement. Mike grabbed both around the neck and was banging their heads together when he was torn away by two other festival volunteers. Shaken by the bizarre act of brutality, one of the boys pulled Mike's pants completely down to his sneakers, causing him to trip into a picnic table full of garbage. The two kids doused Mike with a 40-ounce of warm malt liquor before they made a break for it. Covered in cavatellis and sticky napkins, Valentic rose and gave chase, but the boys had run off.

Top Ten Songs That Should Never Be Played Again
10. Hotel California - The Eagles
9. Walkin On Sunshine - Katrina & The Waves
8. U2
7. The Joker - Steve Miller Band
6. American Pie - Don McLean
5. Sweet Home Alabama - Lynard Skynard
4. Buffalo Soldier - Bob Marley
3. Stairway to Heaven - Led Zeppelin
2. Bohemian Rhapsody - Queen
1. Piano Man - Billy Joel
Ronnie Nick's declared part of Appalachia