1 July 2007
Canine fruits scare neighborhood

Male dogs enjoy each other in a yard on the East Side.

image by Don Munger
Arriving like foreign diplomats in a fleet of luxury cars, a clan of gay, fluffy dogs has set up shop at a residence in East Ashtabula. Neighbors say they've seen queer dogs frolicking in a yard off East 21st Street wearing ribbons and Polo shorts. The dogs are impeccably behaved and great at frisbee, but are too cute for their own good. Although not exactly science, fluffiness is often a telltale sign of canine homosexuality. The animals are fluffed miles beyond normal canines -- and beyond most city ordinances. The dogs look like they underwent shock therapy at a bad laundromat and, even if they're straight, they are being groomed to look like fruits. Other dog owners are afraid any interaction with the animals could cause their dogs to turn gay or fluffy. Friday, the dog warden was called to Diamond Drive where the dogs, all males, were rolling around like fairies and humping. The warden confiscated the animals and a Honda full of gay dog toys. Officials have not identified the owners, nor said why they have fluffed their dogs to this degree. Local veterinarians confirmed the meticulously groomed dogs are show quality, but probably homosexuals. County officials and the Animal Protective League said they will spend over $7,500 on canine sex therapists to rehabilitate the animals.

School Board Duped
Quiet board member really mannequin
In more educational woes, the Ashtabula School Board shut down operations this week after discovering one of its members was a wooden mannequin. The revalation came after another board member inadvertently knocked the figure out of a chair while patting "him" on the back. Authorities are not sure how the mannequin entered the building or how many board meetings he has attended. Despite obvious physical limitations, the wooden wonder has infuriated parents and teachers in recent weeks with his puzzling, pH-balanced positions on all issues. But there is still no evidence the neutral look-alike actually spoke during a meeting. Minutes from the meetings show the figure often contributed long pauses and stares combined with a shoulder shrug that many interpreted as a response. Regardless of the meeting logs, parents swore they have seen him speak. One woman even tried to take it up with the mannequin, which was taken apart and displayed at City Hall. "You don't fool me you schlub! We know you can talk! Say something!!!" screamed the woman while being escorted out of the room. Many teachers say if someone is manipulating a mannqeuin to free up more time at home, then he's certainly no dummy. It is not yet clear, however, whether the mannequin is an imposter or actually the candidate the public voted for. As strange as it seems, city legal experts have stated that if it was the mannequin itself who somehow ran a campaign and was elected by the people, technically it will have to be allowed to stay.

Toilet War
City turns soft on junk cars, goes after commodes
Clutter or decoration, working or out of order, the City of Ashtabula says you better remove your toilet from your porch -- or you could be prosecuted. A government once committed to the removal of junk cars from yards far and wide now claims the city's biggest eyesores aren't jalopies, but porch toilets. Following the announcement, people scrambled to protect their commodes by covering them or planting flowers. "They're gonna take my bird feeder," said one resident. City officials say residents who already have sinks, medicine cabinets, or bathtubs on their porches are at high risk. On Jefferson Avenue, Martinis caught up with Stewie, the last of five generations to defecate on his porch. Stewie's house has been condemned for 14 years and his front door is a shower curtain, but he's not going anywhere. Stewie says the fully functional john on his porch is exempt from any ordinance because it is tied into the city sewer system. "Ma'toilet's plumbed into the system and if they gonna take it, they's gonna have to git me off it!" said Stew. Stewie's argument of a "porched but plumbed" toilet has sparked outcry among residents who regularly take shits in working toilets on their porches. Two attorneys already working for a group of Ashtabulans told Martinis operational toilets on a veranda are grandfathered in under a loophole in Ohio real estate law. When asked to elaborate, one lawyer said plainly, "If the toilet's legit, you can take a shit."

Balish returns to dunk tank