17 June 2007
He's a Beauuutiful Doctor!
Angie Nort hits billboard

image by Scan the Man
Angie Notarianni has made the cover of Lake Avenue Magazine, big as life, on a billboard at the Depot. Impossible to miss, the sign has been slowing traffic and causing grief for passing motorists. Last Tuesday, Stanley Guerini fell out of his truck after seeing the popular ad, which pictures a giant Nort complimenting his doctor on his recent knee surgery in Conneaut. Since the sign was erected, people have been stopping to have their pictures taken or give praise to Angie. St. Joe's Church even got permission from the bishop to hold an outdoor mass in front of the sign, deifying the man doctors described as one of the most charismatic and handsome patients in the hospital. During his stay, Angie enjoyed a handpicked staff of nurses and had Italian food hand-delivered from a deli in Erie. In exchange for the special treatment, Angie promised everybody promotions. Winning over most of the doctors, Notarianni turned his floor into a private club with gambling and entertainment. For one solid week, visitors to floor A2 watched the elevator doors open to a neon sign blinking "Angie's Place." Crafted by some heart patients in their recovery workshop, the sign was a thank-you gift to Angie for all the eyebrow they'd been catching since he moved in. One hospital administrator told Martinis he looked the other way on the sign because he fell in love with the veal roast Angie was getting from Erie. "Hospital stays don't normally include eyebrow and dice games," said one surgeon with a gorgeous intern on his knee, "but they don't normally include Angie Notarianni either." The staff somehow also managed to suppress concern about the entertainment at Angie's Place, which had descended into outright debauchery. On his final night, Angie pumped a 90-year-old full of Viagra and turned him into a lounge act. The man, known only as Gordy, lost control of his bowels halfway through the act, but carried on singing and dancing, much to the delight of Angie and his buddies. The show was eventually raided by psychopaths from the adjoining wing who had been promised cigarettes for keeping their mouths shut.

Pharmacy Attack
Board says no to schools, puts up pharmacies
Tired of arguing over the construction of new city schools, the Ashtabula School Board has finally washed their hands of it and opted for a replacement. The board will no longer be building schools, but pharmacies. Board members claim it should not take long to implement the new policy which one said will be "pharmacies as far as the eye can see." In love with the idea, Ashtabula Chamber of Commerce president Jimmy Chandelier says the new stores will add to what he called "Ashtabula's deeply pharmaceutical atmosphere." "Ashtabula is known for its drug stores and we are happy about this," said Jim. Ashtabula will be the first city in Ohio to have pharmacies with a special armored parking lot to accomodate the city's 15,000 jalopy automobiles. Board members say pharmacies are far more useful overall than schools and fulfill the needs of more people. By the end of the year, both Columbus Junior High and the old Harbor High School building will be bulldozed to make way for the new one-stop shop for beer and back pain. Dotted with drug stores, the Ashtabula landscape already draws junkies from five counties. "If there's a line, I just walk nextdoor," said one addict at Rite Aid, holding his teeth in place. Last week, board members responded to questions from parents who were afraid their children could develop an addiction to the stores themselves. The board said pharmacy addiction is not a problem because there is medication for it.

Savarise hosts strange championship
What of a lie? That is the question Billy Savarise has wrestled with for over two decades. But now, in an attempt to turn passion into sport, Savarise plans to host the first ever Lie-Off expected to bring liars from all around the city. Contestants will be put through a rigorous series of lying acrobatics including ad-libbing and name dropping, together with question-answer sessions containing questions as simple as "What'd you end up doin last night?" Bill told Martinis he will also put players on defense and force them to determine what is true after feeding them enormous loads of horseshit mixed with real events. While contestants do not have to be literate, they will have to pass a Rorschach test to have a shot at the finals. Participants will be judged on several factors, not the least of which are persuasiveness, continuity, quickness, tact, and eye contact. Bill says there will be prizes for meticulous "finesse liars" as well as "brute force bullshitters" who focus less on believability and more on sheer quantity of spontaneous bullshit. Players lucky enough to reach the semifinals will engage in more exotic techniques, like memory alteration, where the liars will attempt to recreate the past in order to get a subject to believe he shares the same memory -- and even expound on it. Finalists will also listen in on multiple background conversations at a mock get-together in order to bail out a friend caught in a lie. Savarise says a good liar is also able to mitigate a delicate situation, turning ill will into laughs.