Happy Halloween!
Back from the Dead
Payback returns as Music Man for election campaign




A gleeful Larry Payback rises from a coffin on Columbus Avenue


image courtesy of Benny Wu
The Don Juan of undertakers, Larry Payback, unequivocally outdid himself this week with the launch of his "Back from the Dead" campaign as candidate for the Ashtabula Board of Education. Facing a waning funeral career, the relentless Payback is trying to win votes with a bizarre act where he comes out of a coffin dressed as the Music Man. As funny as it may seem, Payback is being towed around the city in a coffin by a large woman driving a motorized popcorn machine. Larry claims it's all part of his new door-to-door political strategy targeting widows on pension. When they show up at the house, Payback rings the bell and hides in the coffin. The person answers, Payback pops out, and does a song and dance from the quintessential Broadway musical. Payback is using his innocent Campbell's Soup look to seduce old ladies into his "love casket." He feeds them a couple of lines, then has them emptying their purses. Buzzing the wrong room at a retirement center, Payback was unfazed Thursday as he asked a bed-ridden centenarian, "What's a pretty lady like you doing in a rest home like this?" Friday, a man put a call in to police after his 76-year-old grandmother was lured into the casket, but never returned. A few days later the man found an urn on his doorstep filled with tufts of red hair and a picture of Payback and the grandmother going over Niagra Falls in a barrel. Analysts say it is this kind of twisted humor that just might get Payback the publicity he needs to get elected. In the Neighborhood, people have had mixed reactions to Payback's shtick. So far, the former funeral guy has either been invited in for coffee, or knocked unconscious. On Larry's first day in Ward 2 a shirtless brute put a leaf rake up Payback's ass after he decided to help the man's daughters wash their cars. After hitting Diamond Drive, Payback probably should not have showed up at the front door of Skip, who nailed him back in his coffin with a power hammer. "Fruit thinks he's gonna show up at MY door, he better practice fallin down," said Skip. There has also been a lot of fuss over Payback's driver. Pedaling Payback around town, the woman spends most of her time inhaling popcorn and screaming into a loudspeaker. But residents swear there's something strange about the lady. Two people said they saw her drinking from a flask and trying to feed small children into the popcorn machine. Stopped by police on 15th Street, the woman turned into a munchkin and disappeared on a yellow brick road made of popcorn.
The Pooping Doot
Madman shits on city, makes profit
Doot! Doot! If you hear that tonight, don't answer your door, for it is the sound of the man known as the "Pooping Doot." This Halloween, there's an APB out on the unruly fluttering butt synonymous with stink. The Pooping Doot suffers from a rare illness which causes him to produce ten times the waste produced by normal men. Couple that with a steady diet of starchy takeout food and it's -- Superdoot. Residents can identify Doot's superdoot poop by its Hershey's Kiss shape and sickening odor known to induce psychosis. Doctors say Doot's gas has a dangerous molecular structure and a flatulent episode could spell death or insanity for anyone within 500 yards. The doot is characterized by uncontrollable, violent bowel movements with a stink that makes a landfill look like ginger bread cookies. His putrid flatulence has decimated even the friendliest of family occasions, killing christmas trees and leaving brides passed out at the altar. Walnut Boulevard resident Sam "Doc" Klavorkian told Martinis his first experience with the Doot was this summer when he woke up and found his private beach dotted with turds. "I knew my son had some friends over," said Klavorkian, "but you shit on my beach mister, you owe me a case a Genny!" The doot apparently brought toilet paper into a beach party just 20 minutes after downing 2 jumbo grinders and a gallon of Vernor's pop. Shit City. Incomprehensibly, the pooping doot has somehow become a kid sensation. Local shops are selling out of tasteless doot t-shirts and action figures complete with little plastic doot poop and tiny cans of play snuff. Marketing analysts are still trying to fully understand the appeal of a bloated, bathroom-tissue-carrying doot. In an unprecedented move, even Nike Corporation grabbed the Pooping Doot as a sponsor for a risky new ad campaign. Flattered by all the attention, the doot now wants to take his poop to farmers as a cost-effective natural fertilizer. Next month, Superdoot plans to mount himself under a crop duster where he will eat wing-dings and shit his brains out.
LARRY PAYBACK'S TOP TEN PICKUP LINES
10. I think varicose veins are sexy.
9. I always find a mature woman understands me better.
8. You know if you soak your dentures in formaldehyde, they look brand new.
7. You probably don't know this, but you baby-sat my great grandmother.
6. I bet World War I was exhilarating.
5. Why don't we tell the nurse to come back later, eh cutie?
4. I always said McKinley was a great president.
3. Do they still make silent movies?
2. Surprise! How bout some new batteries for that Clapper, eh?!!!
1. No way! You wear undergarments too?
Doot makes the cover of Raisin Bran
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mystery question answer: Terry Orlando