3 October 2004
Scan the Man
Guerini's surveillance techniques defy science

Stanley Guerini stands in front of his scanner collection at his home in the Harbor.

image courtesy of "C"
Global satellite communications were disrupted Saturday when area radio specialist Stan Guerini rewired his scanners, trying to pull in a bank robbery in Orwell. Over the weekend, the Pentagon received calls from the former Soviet republics of Tajikistan and Belarus who were conducting satellite-controlled missile drills at the time of the incident. Reports show Scanley was manipulating defense satellites to power his scanners. In addition to the cosmic security breach, scientists said Guerini created a magnetic field around his house powerful enough to stop the common wristwatch and trigger metabolic changes in small rodents. Local police were alerted to the situation after several neighbors' pots and pans began accumulating in Stan's front yard. Police held off the kitchenware and other metal items -- including a 1984 Renault LeCar -- until federal agents arrived. Agents entered the house and found Stan buried in Lakeway takeout and connected to several pieces of complicated electronic equipment. Entwined in a web of wires and protected by what some officials have called a "force field," Scan apparently was not aware people had entered his home. Despite special protective suits, authorities were not able to get anywhere near Guerini and waited outside for over 45 minutes before bombing the residence with incense. Jokingly, one FCC inspector said he hadn't seen anything like this "since the coyote bought that ACME magnet."

Manny Matrix
Matchy to go as Neo for Halloween
Flashy sword-wielding masked mayor of the Harbor Manny Matchy has vowed to shake things up this Halloween -- and he's not kidding. Martinis can now officially confirm that this year Manny will dress as Neo from the hit film The Matrix. Matchy will leave behind the black bandana that brought him fame three years ago and go decked in shiny leather and sunglasses. Matchy says he will miss the companionship of his horse this year, but says he has something that will top the act. To get people going, Manny is planning a Hollywood-style car chase throughout the Harbor in his Jaguar. Matchy has asked the City's permission to shut down parts of West 9th Street and Lake Avenue for a four-hour stunt that will include two midgets and a Harley Davidson. "Hey, I ain't no Chris Reeves. I'll be lookin pretty slick, though," said Manny.

Too Close to Coast
Residents tired of living next to British family
Some Ashtabulans are complaining they're a little too close -- too close to the Coasts. After more than two decades of ridiculousness, residents are fed up and are making a case against this spectacular family of goofs. Neighbors say they are being systematically harassed by the Coasts. One retiree said he is tired of having to deal with the building inspector every time he brings out his hose or changes the filter in his air conditioner. A few years ago, Dave Coast almost came to blows with an ex-wrestler from Diamond Drive after Coast called him at 4am to complain about his dog barking. "Th-that Dave Coast, he-heee's not right!" said one person. Last week, two old ladies even called in to Martinis to say they feel Vinnie's fruitmobile is obscene and should be outlawed. Although past attempts to cork the Coasts really only involved Roman Candles pointed at their front door, residents now say they have a new bargaining chip. For the past two weeks over 30 people claim to have seen Dave Coast parading around the yard in the nude, covered only occasionally by -- yes -- the British flag. City officials say if someone manages to snap a good photo, they may have a valid case in court. Even police have made clear they're tired of filing complaints against Dave every time his wife, Jabrone, decides to send a neighbor some stilted discourse in the mail. Just yesterday, Coast even called uptown to find out if Stan Guerini's got a permit for all that equipment. Evidently, a permit to be an asshole is not required on East 21st Street.

10. The candy man Stan
9. Phasers on Stan
8. Afghaniscan
7. Stananarama
6. Ms. Pac-Stan
5. Linguine with Stans
4. Ku Klux Stan
3. Stan in the place where you live (Now face west)
2. The Florida Stanhandle
1. Stanny Matchy

Sam Dispenza's hot peppers