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Trick or Treated at the Hospital
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Zorro Goes Down at Frosty Creme
photo by PAT
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Officials are still baffled by the "unidentified" horserider who was hit by a car this Halloween. Because of the high number of Ashtabulans dressed as Zorro riding around on horses down the harbor that night, there is still gross uncertainty and confusion over who the person could be. Authorities have said, however, that there is a tiny possibility the masked man was Manny Matchy, a little-known area resident. Naturally, all the horseshit made top story in the Star Beatin, together with a painfully interesting power outage in the county. The Beatin says it's proud to bring Ashtabula only the most important stories while maintaining the highest level of journalistic integrity. Next week's misspelled headlines include 2 stolen tricycles, a dirty old man's apple core collection, and somebody farted in Conneaut.
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Water Your Driveway
Neighborhood Residents Grow Cement
Tooling around East Ashtabula, it isn't hard to spot the Neighborhood secret to a handsome driveway: you've got to water it. Believe it or not, the strange practice of driveway spraying not only fulfills the Swedetown yardwork requirement, but, if done with a cordless phone and a beer, also proves to be a great stress reliever. Residents admit there's nothing like just getting out there and hosing down about two acres of asphalt. Driveway drencher Norma Laurello says she started with sidewalks on Harbor Avenue, but has since taken her act to Virginia where she claims a well-watered driveway will grow thicker and stronger. Nephew and neighbor Ron Orlando swears he'll never touch a broom again after seeing Norma's crackless concrete. "It's really lush and blooming," said Ron, "the Ferrando brothers would be jealous." Even Big John has been "flooded" with orders for what he calls his "power nozzle," a revolutionary new hose attachment made out of toilet paper rolls and golf club grips, guaranteed to make you look like you're working up a storm in the drive. In the face of all the gravel growth, scientists have told Martinis there is no relationship between garden hoses and good-looking cement. All of this comes to the dismay of Franny, who floated all the way down 21st street, just two quarts away from Norma's hose-breaking record of 934 gallons in a one hour period.
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Roadhouse Blues
Pucci Unhappy as Waiter
A couple years ago Mark Pucci may have been seen spewing out red wine tumbling down a staircase somewhere. These days the young author is unbelievably up and shaved by one o'clock, a big improvement over his Down Under wakeup time of 4pm two summers ago. Despite his novel hitting bookshelves last year, Pucci is hopelessly stuck in the restaurant industry. Mark is currently waiting tables at the Roadhouse Grill in West Palm Beach, but still manages to do reviews on the side for the Blacklisted Journalist. Martinis military correspondent Dick Ornery had dinner in West Palm last Friday. "The little prick's service is lacking about a thousand push-ups," said Dick, "Stand up straight Mr. Pucci, you slacker!" Caught in his Honda Accord on Okeechobee Boulevard, Mark told reporters that although he's sick and tired of bussing tables, he's still doing "pretty good."
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TOP TEN SIGNS YOU'RE A HILLBILLY IN ASHTABULA
10. Always in Dairy Mart with no shirt on, regardless of season
9. Specialize in bumping into people at bars, then saying "You got a problem?"
8. No one you know is Italian
7. Car looks like spaceship
6. Every other phrase ends in "and junk," as in "We were just talkin and junk"
5. Mom is 19
4. Very well respected at Jet
3. Friends are low-brows
2. Sweatpants or no pants
1. Applied at mall, couldn't get in!
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Mark Orlando's dog Archie goes to trial, Ange is judge
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Mystery Question answer: Sam St. Angelo
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