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American Graffiti
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Parochial pranksters go to trial
photo by PAT
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Mark Orlando and company were in court Tuesday after they went around painting the schools again on a GRIMMS reunion tour gone sour. George and little Ricky were halfway finished with the St. John building when they were caught by rockin Roberta, who made a citizen's arrest in a desperate attempt to finally bring the hooligans to justice. Last week's trial saw some of the most unorthodox legal procedures imaginable, including a "reverse indictment" of Roberta after she showed up at City Hall in a stolen Mt. Carmel School popcorn machine. Silencing the courtroom, St. John alumnus Terry Guerriero took the stand and talked directly to the judge while eating a meatball sandwich. "Lemme tell ya somethin, Albert," said Terry, "these guys aren't doin any more harm to the catholic school system than Dave Bakos did playin 'Zipadee Do Da' on the church organ." After a grueling three-day trial, the GRIMMS amazingly escaped conviction on an unusual technicality. Despite widespread graffiti, the court acquitted the goons, ruling that "bringing back the 1980s is not against any known law." Stay tuned to Martinis next week when the GRIMMS take their act to Las Vegas.
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Fields Brook Crooks
Pigs to fly over river cleanup
After a recent January conference, the Crooked Crick River Commission announced the Ashtabula River will be cleaned up in a jiffy by 2007. East Ashtabula representative Jimmy Timonere was in the trenches defending the city's most important ward: "We're tired of the 'No Fishing' signs and that sour chemical stench when the wind shifts. All our relatives die of cancer." It was no dice for Jim, however, as the commission explained the ten-year cleanup is for the city's own good and that it is perfectly normal for everybody to drop like flies from bizarre cases of leukemia. The crooked commission was also happy to announce improvements in a few other city services. Ambulances in the city will be reduced in number -- down to 2 -- and will now arrive "after the drivers finish their chicken wings." Callers of the emergency hotline 911 can look forward to a slick new automated answering service. Residents will now be able to enter how scared they are and a description of the gunman, all through an ultra-complicated system of 1,250 submenus, stars, and pound signs. In response to taxpayer concerns about the river venture, the EPA promises a thorough cleanup and says PAT will be doing all the dry wall.
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Settling the Score
Class action suit filed against diocese
Continuing with more Mt. Carmel legal woes, a class action lawsuit has been filed against Mt. Carmel School by over 50 former students. The suit points to wrongdoings committed by faculty members from 1980 to 1989, referring largely to medieval scare tactics and inappropriate conduct. Prosecution attorneys say kids were wrongfully exposed to countless shouting matches and door slammings between the teachers themselves. Witnesses recall instructors throwing classroom objects at high speed and knocking over desks with kids still in them. The prosecution says Mt. Carmel hired a tyrant to direct its school plays and employed a perverted scheme of favoritism to keep kids in line. Students claim they were excused from classwork if they agreed to push popcorn for the performances. Other accounts include a loud-mouthed "reading" teacher that called study hall three days a week and intentionally deafened students with brutish yelling rituals. According to state investigators, most instructors were grossly underqualified for their positions and should have undergone psychological exams before being able to throw erasers in students' faces. One instructor was even paid to cough his chronically foul breath on the tomato soup that was given to the children. So far, support for the case has been overwhelming. Rumor has it the seasoned disciplinarians of days passed are now prepping for litigation that could leave Sister Bernie playing "Smoke on the Water" at Harbor Days. Any concerned students can submit their beef to CCD professor Brad Vincenzo at the Mt. Carmel fruit stand.
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TOP TEN PIECES OF ASHTABULA SURVIVAL GEAR
10. Hillbilly detector
9. Bullshit-proof vest
8. Dictionary of Warped Italian (Columbus Ave. only)
7. Vial of "Cancer Gone"
6. Cocky asshole compass
5. Barside bodyguard
4. Neighborhood pass
3. Steel-toed condoms
2. Shoot-It card
1. Some a that BR-549
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Ange Notarianni sings "Quando Quando Quando"
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Mystery Question answer: Grimmace
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