Martinis 3 March 2002Email Martinis
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Sportcoat U.
Pucci starts college trend

OSU fraternity members model their new "writer's jackets"

third from left: Mark Pucci

In preparation for the arrival of Mark Pucci, Ohio State University will be filling its bookstores with sportcoats this week. OSU's president says students can't get enough of the new style that has made Pucci one of America's hottest black writers. Dormitory lobbies have been converted to clothing looms and filled with young Philippine children after the author announced he would attend the university last year. This quarter, visual arts students have been sculpting, welding, and fingerpainting various types of sportcoats for an exhibit set to take place upon Pucci's arrival. Since its Neighborhood debut in summer 2000, the Pucci sportjacket has replaced Pokémon in Japan and become a symbol of teen rebellion across the United States. Tired of noserings and Marilyn Manson, America's young people are now smearing on that Kiwi Dark Tan and donning the slightly oversized sportcoat that inspires them to just run outside and go "RAAAHHHH!" When asked for comment, Pucci said that he couldn't talk because he was on his way to "get some beer."

Village Mean
Golf course turns away customers
Some bursts of nice weather brought in the golf season ahead of schedule this year. Naturally, Kingsville charmer Lippy Libby was busy at the desk sending away paying customers for no reason. All last week the beet-red bellboy greeted golfers with classic lines like "I hope you guys don't plan on playing 18," "Why don't you try Happy Acre," and "Fuck you I got leagues." To keep things moving, some less fortunate customers were even forced to play with Conneaut stick-in-the-muds Larry Yeller and his sidekick, Nick "The Ox" Oxley. Two of Libby's victims from years past, Mikey and Martini, say it looks like Libby's redder and hotter-headed than ever before. "I think the only guy that could play with Larry Yeller is Joe Orlando," said Mike. Neighborhood kids have had a standing boycott on the golf course since 1995, despite Ange Notarianni's claim that "Libby LIKES yous guys!" Recently, Libby has come under heavy scrutiny after making a Japanese paraplegic play the front nine backwards from the ladies tees.

Finish That!
Dave Force-Feeds Family
When it comes to gorging yourself, most family members will admit you haven't eaten until you've been to a Dave Savarese smorgasbord. There's certainly nothing like being stuffed to capacity at the dinner table and having to deal with Dave going "Alright now just FINISH THAT now c'mon eat that IT'S MEAT whatta you gonna throw it away? I just made that now c'mon EAT!" and shoving 3 pounds of raw steak on your plate. While pleasing Columbus' homeless population, Dave's recent flair for cooking has got Mary Jo a little worried. Rumor has it Dave drops more cash at the Columbus Kroger than Brad Orlando at Bali Hai lounge. Grocery store officials say Savarese is their single largest meat customer, purchasing over 6 cows and 250 pounds of crude pig lard per month. Despite the lard — and the fact that Danny's big on chili — Dave says even the biggest dinners at his house aren't enough for him. Sav has recently taken a position as cook for an army mess hall in Afghanistan that serves 2000 soldiers an hour. From now on America's finest will be weighted down with ham pie, stuffed fat, and ground beef-sicles for the upcoming summer battles. At a marshmallow roast around his outdoor fireplace, Dave said, "Stephanie, when these GIs eat my salami salad they'll all be feared."

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