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The Odd Couple
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Neighborhood duo selected for TV series
photo by PAT
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NBC Studios was in Cleveland over the weekend visiting what many are calling the hottest couple in Lakewood, Mike and Anthony. Tired of overworked melodramas and cereal-box humor, the TV giant says it's interested in the life that imitates a sitcom. Last week NBC sent in some casting agents to observe the everyday scene of bickering buddies that could become a primetime moneymaker. The studio reps said they were impressed even before entering the building when they could hear "shut up dummy" and "ok dipshit" coming from the flat. Although studying the roomates up close was a bit unnatural, the agents, for the most part, caught the boys in their normal routines. In the mornings, Anthony was up at the usual 6am to wash dishes and go to aerobics, while Mike, who slept with that crumpled up piece of paper, rolled out of bed each morning in a cellphone-checking frenzy. After lunch, Anth would leave Mike some chores and go shopping, only to come home to Mic on the couch, picking his feet, trying to get the score. Evenings consisted mainly of beer and pizza followed by a pass-out contest, where Mike beat out Anthony three to one. "It's Klugman and Randall on oven cleaner" said NBC's Lorne Michaels, "It's a hit!" A weekend of petty disputes seasoned with golf and take-out food proved enough to get these two ex-Secret Club members a shot at network television. With Anthony clipping coupons and Mike farting his brains out, you might think these two guys couldn't live more than a day together. But NBC agrees you haven't laughed until you've seen a ballerina run a dishwasher and a wahoo passed out in a bowl of fettuccine.
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Dead Redheads
Undertaker colors corpses
Perkins flew the flag at half-mast this week as magic mortician Larry Payback was forced to step down from his position as director of Ashtabula's favorite funeral parlor. Investigators say the undertaker was canned after people began questioning the methods Payback used to prepare bodies for display. Trouble first arose at the services when many of the corpses -- regardless of race -- started appearing with red hair. Tipping off authorities was an angry Chinese family who was fooled into thinking their grandfather was a redhead. Grandson Benny Wu said he was duped by the smooth-talking Payback who kept telling him, "Hey, it don't matter ching-chong man. The redder the hair, the lower the price, eh?" Sources tell Martinis fellow funeral director and all-around Ashtabula fruitcake J.C. Screwco forced Payback out before he could do any more damage. Larry agreed to go only on the condition that they reimburse him for his computer, which Payback said cost "five thousand bucks." Payback, in addition to his bar business, has taken a temporary job nearby changing lightbulbs on the big hat at Arby's.
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Tonight on Neighborhood TV
7:30pm - "Asshole Wheel of Fortune" with Dave Coast. The city's not-so-nice guys compete for big prizes.
8:00pm - "Under the Dryer" hosted by Damon Zullo. Sixty-year-old ladies in rollers spill their guts in the barber's chair.
8:30pm - "Spags" with Chuck Spence. Make spaghetti with the master.
9:00pm - TV FILM "Kiddie Penitentiary: The Story of Mount Carmel School" Children battle bad breath and favoritism in an elementary school during the 1980s.
10:30pm - "The 19th Hole" with Lippy Libby. No hotdogs on the turn with this wacko.
11:00pm - Neighborhood News with anchor Uncle Gus. Features include "Gay Hillbillies in Ashtabula" and "Dirty Restaurants."
11:30pm - "The Beer Gulch" with Jocko Savarese. The Jock identifies different types of beer by their burp odor.
12:00am - INFOMERCIAL "Nutri-Fart" with Marc Varckette. Learn to fart on command with products that induce gas.
1:00am - SPORT "Kill the Man" with Little Dave Savarese. All-star Neighborhood quarterback Little Dave runs a twisted game of tackle football.(R)
2:30am - ADULT "Nick the Dick" starring Ronnie Nick.
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TOP TEN PEOPLE ON PROZAC IN ASHTABULA
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Mystery Question answer: A bumblebee
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