20 July 2005
TONY ORLANDO
Age: 48
Height: 6' 0"
Weight: 184lbs
Occupation: Grocer
Shank Type: Side
Favorite Shot: Fade Away
Claim to Fame: Unbeatable Meat
Player Rating
Tony (laughing): Now what the fuck IS this?
Martini: We're gonna go shoot 9.
Tony: Up yours.
Martini: How's your game this year?
Tony: Marty, my golf game has never been better. I've driven 6 greens this year and my short game'd scare the hair off Damon Zullo.
Martini: Now those greens were par-3's at Twin Oaks or regular putt-putt?
Tony: Acutally, one of them was at the prestigious Harbor Golf Club.
Martini: How many Orlando Invitational championships have you won?
Tony: I've taken 4 out of the last 5 tournaments.
Martini: What balls you playin with these days?
Tony: I quit doin that shit a long time ago. I had hair on my palms.
Martini: Come on.
Tony: I only hit Srixons.
Martini: What happened to the Slazengers?
Tony: The Slazenger balata, Marty, has a different vector rating, and you gotta understand the sweet spot's a lot bigger on the Srixon.
Martini: How many clubs do you keep in your bag?
Tony: That depends. I'm in regulation for all tournaments.
Martini: Is it true you have an 11-wood?
Tony (speaking side-mouth): Marty, the woods are fundamental for the game. If you're 160 yards out with an inverted lie and the sun's two fists above the horizon, you're not gonna wanna be hittin irons.
Martini (baffled): Rrrr-iiight.
Tony: You ask your father.
Martini: What about the lob wedge?
Tony: I carry four different wedges. The lob wedge's got the most loft. It's a very difficult club to hit, see. But it's gonna save you.
Martini: How about Sam Walton?
Tony: Marty, I'm not gonna put anybody down. I just wanna challenge these people who are shoppin out the mall to come to my store and experience what a real deli can taste like. It's no contest.
Martini: Have the supermarkets at the mall killed business?
Tony: Lemme tell ya somethin, when you've got the best delicatessen in Northeast Ohio you don't need to worry about much. I got homemade cabbage rolls for 39 cents a piece. You go ahead and buy your frozen reheated meatballs out there.
Martini: Oh, I don't shop there.
Tony (pointing): Go ahead. Go fuckin buy em.
Martini: Tony, I don't shop there.
Tony: Pagans.
Martini: You have said that people can't beat your meat. How do you mean that statement?
Tony: Nobody beats my meat, Marty, I don't care.
Martini: Do you think the slogan confuses people?
Tony: Not at all. I think it's the clearest declaration I can make in my profession. My meat can't be beat, and that is a fact.
Martini: Do you beat your meat?
Tony: Cow's ass?
Martini: Mmm-hmm.
Tony: Still love that reefer I can see.
Martini: A few years ago, you were accused of flooding a picnic with "shrivel burgers." How do you react to that?
Tony: I react that there are several wackos in this family that don't know their meat from their rectum. That's how I react.
Martini: What was it about the burgers that caused them to shrink in size?
Tony: Marty, any burger's gonna lose water and fat when you throw it on the grill. Those burgers, son, were made from 100% Grade A ground steak, no filler in there at all.
Martini: Did you think your meat was in danger of being beat at that point?
Tony (laughing): Never once. You should be writing for National Lampoon you sick bird.
Martini: Do you miss doing stand-up comedy?
Tony (uniting fingertips, sitting back): Actually, yes. Yes I do. It was an invigorating experience.
Martini: I had the opportunity to catch part of your act one time at the Swiss Chalet out the Lake. I was with my parents.
Tony: Heh, did you really? What'd you think?
Martini: I remember laughing cause you were farting into the microphone, wearing that hat.
Tony: I was a little twisted then myself.
Martini: Is it safe to say you used a lot of your Uncle Terry's jokes?
Tony (smiling): Can't sell em short. It is true. Your old man has some classics. Yeah, Uncle Ter helped me out of a few dead crowds I'd say.
Martini: Many pizza drivers have admitted your home on Knollwood was easier to find because of your garage door with the Ohio State University emblem. Can we look forward to a distinctive house marking at your new residence?
Tony: Ah, my wife and I rarely order food delivered. I usually bring it home from the store, but . . . ahh, when I have something in the works, I'll let cha know.
Martini: Don't try to beat his meat, he does it enough on his own, Tony Orlando ladies and gentlemen!
Tony: You should be committed.
Martini: Thanks for being with us.
Tony: My pleasure, you lunatic. Now, who's gonna see this? I got pork chops all week, $2.99 a pound.
Sandy Campagna
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