18 January 2004
Nowhere City

image courtesy of The Mortster
fourscore and 20 minutes ago in a town where everybody's malled out, called out, disengaged from life and on drugs without anything to shoot for because they're buried in debt, addicted to false credit lines, and charging more to get a rating, just keeping their head above water with a girl that's 19 and pregnant with no health insurance and having it for the wrong reasons, trying to get help from hospitals where everything is a disorder and has a name and can be cured with pills from companies that feed on doctors who diagnose kids with depression and pump them full of Prozac and cut perscriptions for narcotics to guys only their receptionist lays eyes on, where spine replacements are outpatient surgeries because you cost less at home living in a void where breadbakers and women who can knit a quilt are considered treasures of ancient history and make the special section in the paper because truly learning anything is a waste of time when you can drive around in sweatpants and go to the bank machine, the perscription window, and your only fear is being seen in the checkout at Tops with an Entenmann's danish and a 12-pack of Bud Light before sneaking home to make fun of the people that hide in dingy bars owned by even dingier guys with little taste for anything besides sports and cheap pussy, no better than the 15-year-olds skyyed up battling insignificance, dying to be different in a town where only sameness gets you anywhere, this place was different, but forget it all because on this journey Ashtabula is but a microcosm of small town america. that's the signpost up ahead, next stop, Nowhere City.

Buns Horrigan
Former county worker to do hot dog ad
After 10 years of getting her butt pinched on the job, one woman has decided to take her best assets on the road. As of February 1st Rhonda "Buns" Horrigan will become the new sponsor for Orwell-based bread company, Bungalbun. Horrigan will showcase her trademark buns in a risqué TV ad campaign marketing experts say is pushing the primetime envelope. Set to air during next month's Super Bowl, the ad will feature a closeup of Horrigan's bare ass as a hot dog bun with Bachelor Party's Nick the Dick providing the frankfurter. County officials say Bungalbun has paid an undisclosed amount to air the ad during the second quarter of the game and expects a large turnout. Long admired by the county's male employees, Horrigan's perfectly shaped hind side has gotten her a lot of recognition over the years. But only time will tell where people will put their wieners. Horrigan says fans will be able to sign and bounce quarters off her buns during a complimentary buffet next Thursday at the County Seat.

In the Grip of Skip
Vigilante accepts award, thwarts hi-fi theft
In the Neighborhood, people sleep better at night knowing Skip Giannell is looking out for them. An expert marksman and blackbelt in ten martial arts, Skip was the landslide winner of this year's Neighborhood Watch category in the prestigious Parmigian Awards. Monday, on the street that bares his name, we caught the Skipper in his driveway shoveling and figured we'd shoot the baloney. Little did we know we would be witness to some of the very bravery that has made Skip the captain of the Neighborhood's internal police force. Two minutes into the conversation Skippy spotted two Chinese kids trying to make off with a neighbor's car stereo in broad daylight. With no hesitation Skip darted across the yard and knocked their heads together before pistol-skipping them with an army-issue 45. "SS-Sons a bitches were tryin to steal his hi-fi, his HI-FI!" said Skip. After making won-ton soup out of the two bums, Skip made them return the hi-fi tapedeck to its home inside the Mazda Protégé of this year's Underachiever, Jay Vegas. Gnawing furiously on his third toothpick, Skip thanked Martinis for the consideration and surprisingly gave all the credit to his black lawn jockey, Sambo.

The grand opening of The Court