01 January 2004
Happy Circumcision
Parishioners discover meaning behind holiday

East Ashtabula resident Joe St. Angelo rings in the new year with a better understanding

image courtesy of The Mortster
Happy New Year? Nope. At least, if you're catholic, you should be wishing them a Happy Circumcision. This week, as a one and only New Year's resolution, Martinis sets out to demystify this popular holy day. To find out exactly why the first of January is a holy day of obligation we paid a visit to Our Lady of Mt. Carmel Cathedral. Caught in the vestibule after mass, churchgoer Pete Coniglio told us what he thought was "pretty elementary." "Why, it's uhhh . . . it's the first day of the new year." Not quite. But Pete wasn't alone in his unawareness. In fact, it took a priest, two archbishops, and a missalette to find out what most Roman Catholics don't know. The truth is, January 1st is the Feast of the Circumcision, the celebration of the eighth day of Jesus' life on which the event took place. Avoiding the real deal, many modern liturgical readings refer to this day as the "Feast of the Motherhood" or even the "Solemnity of Mary" — but Martinis knows better. So, next holiday season, when somebody brings you some cheer, do em one better. Tell em to brush up on their Genesis 17:12. Merry Christmas and Happy Circumcision!

Flying Guacamole
Waiter has restaurant in stiches
Valets are parking cars on West Street as Ashtabulans continue to flood Los Compadres Mexican restaurant. Some go for the food, but many are going to see their most animated employee, "See-Saw." Flinging guacamole and farting on entrées, the oddly named waiter has become quite a celebrity on the West Side. Though most admit they can't understand a word he's saying, people just can't get enough of his humor. Customers say See-Saw's grunts and whispers are hardly ever enough to get them the right order, but somehow it doesn't matter. "Little bugger says a lot of stuff soundin like 'nnnneh-nnneh-nneh,' but we just love his hospitality," said one person. Rumor has it the waiter became an instant hit one night when he went wild with a margarita Super Soaker and two cans of bosco. All the fun almost proved fatal New Year's Eve, however, when See-Saw put a sombrero on not-to-be-screwed-with Ashtabula roughhouser, Tee Dubbya.

State of the Neighborhood
Martini gives New Year's address
In a latenight television broadcast Wednesday, Martini spoke directly to thousands in his first ever State of the Neighborhood Address. Moderated by world-class diplomat, Kathy Davis, the half hour event aired just after midnight and was followed by a brief question and answer session. In his speech, Martini discussed the effects of big business and information technologies on the pace of life in the Neighborhood. He covered a number of new problems facing his generation and called his late 20s "one of the most confusing times" he'd ever experienced. While he admitted there were some strange days in the Neighborhood toward the end of 2003, Martini attributed them to the stagnation of the season and denied claims from reporters that apathy has interrupted the flow of things. Martini blamed changes on what he called "a general lack of spirit and positivity in Ashtabula City. "I have a lot of questions, but no answers, and all is well." Martini said he's looking forward to big things in 2004. He spoke on the upcoming double wedding of Neighborhood VIPs Jenny and Vince, together with the recent announcement of Mark Pucci II. For a complete transcipt of the address stay tuned to Martinis.

Hillbilly Invasion
D-12s set up empire in south county pole barn
Calling all cars. Members of the Dirty Dozen are taking over the city. The first evidence of hillbilly organized crime has surfaced in Ashtabula. Acting on an anonymous tip, police raided a pole barn in Lenox township over the weeked and found pink stonewashed jeans drying on a clothes line. Investigators say the D-49s probably abandoned the building minutes before the raid, leaving behind several telltale belongings, including a hibachi with a TV dinner still warm. Although authorities have already questioned numerous persons thought to be connected with the organization, the ringleaders are still at large. City Council says the billyooches are pouring into Ashtabula and can usually be identified by their cars with the entire back end dragging through three intersections. According to police, the tightly-knit group is composed of drifters who have been avoiding arrest by moving their headquarters up and down the county lines. One thing is for certain, though. Somebody better take action or next summer we'll all be wearing L.A. Gear.

The Rapl Parmigian Awards for Neighborhood Excellence