Martinis 11 May 2003Email Martinis
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Saddam Hussaint
Sammy mistaken in FBI raid

Sam St. Angelo relaxes with a Genny after federal agents mistook him for Saddam Hussein

Sam Saint was praying to his rototiller this week when FBI agents mistakenly identified him as Saddam Hussein. St. Angelo was mowing his lawn when thirty federal agents raided the property, handcuffing Sam to the lawnmower. After shooting out most of the window's on St. Angelo's house, the agents confiscated an edger, two copies of American Beauty, and a palette of Tyler Mountain spring water. Turning a corner, one of the agents was eaten by Simon the Sequel who was somehow protected with a bullet proof vest. Despite the mixup, both parties agreed there were no hard feelings. Sam even talked two new recruits into helping him clean his mower blades in the backyard. The gardener and self-made drill sergeant says he is not bothered by his uncanny resemblence to the Iraqi dictator.

Two Weddings and a Mail Truck
Savarise attends wedding as postman
As April showers brought in May flowers, RJ and The Champ both bit the dust in back to back wedding galas. Up the Community Center, guests popped Klonopin as they watched father of the bride Bob "Bourbon" Pantalone do Eddie Murphy. Although many said they enjoyed getting loaded, most people spent the night waiting for an end to RJ's evening-long impression of a stuffed shirt. Hands down, the talk of the evening was Doug Savarise who showed up in a U.S. mail truck disguised as a postman. Duggie's outfit became so popular he was signing autographs at the bar for a solid hour. Fans became uneasy, however, when they discovered the signatures were not Doug's, but those of various local physicians. Killing the evening was Stevie who headbutted his cousin Mark in a tragic hillbillyesque outburst at Cocks n Jocks. After losing his spectacles in the incident, Pucci was unable to drive to La Mafia Centre the following week. Highlighting the Mentor affair was The Champ's beer-guzzling dog, DiMaggio, and his version of Metallica's "Seek and Destroy." Also of note, a guy known only as "Tommy" was charged for "spanking his wanky" in a hotel linen closet. Hotel maid Lulu Ortiz said the soiled towels had never seen that much action.

Heavyweight Hoax: Round 2
Tyson to visit St. John again, alumni investigated
St. John High School announced this week that heavyweight boxing champion Mike Tyson will be visiting during the month of May. The school admitted it was hesitant to make the announcement after letting students down two decades ago, but claims this time it's for real. So far, St. John has received two phone calls from Tyson's agents and is waiting on a third to finalize the date of the visit. Teachers say they hope it won't be the déjà vu of twenty years ago when a man falsely identifying himself as Mike Tyson's agent telephoned the high school promising a similar visit. While they are not saying the calls are bogus, diocese officials are investigating eyewitness accounts of a large hulk in a Hawaiian shirt seen in a nearby phone booth at the time of the first call. Currently under the lamp is 80s prankster Terry Guerriero, one of twenty alumni to be questioned. Guerriero, who took heat for the hoax in the 1980s, says he is being framed. Also on the list, according to officials, are the GRIMMS, Marc Varckette, and the unforgettable aerosol assassins, JAC-22. St. John says Tyson has agreed to give a speech to help toughen up the school's skyrocketing "mamma's boy" male population. Since the announcement, faculty members have been working nights and weekends preparing for Tyson's arrival. St. John enthusiast Sandra Campagna says the school will welcome the prize fighter by wallpapering the gymnasium with "duckies and bunnies."

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