Martinis 13 April 2003Email Martinis
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Major Heddjob
Old man gets lucky in swimming pool

An amateur photographer snapped this photo of an unidentified Italian senior receiving oral

A 72-year-old Italian has a smile on his face this week after he got some oral in the shallow end of an EA swimming pool. A cool night and a heated pool was all it took for an unknown woman to seduce the man who was in town visiting. The woman, who witnesses described as "fat and high," was apparently running her bush in his face when she went down on him. Unfortunately, the man fell asleep during the oral and defecated in the pool. East Ashtabula information centers have been working around the clock to identify the man that some claim is a decorated military official. Three witnesses said they watched the man sneak out the back of the fence in what looked like an army officer's uniform. After getting his helmet washed G.I. Joe fled the scene in a Cadillac around 4am.

Stag "Sucks"
Bachelor's brother shits on gravestone dealer
The Sons of Italy was host to RJ Valentic's stag party last week. Al Guerini and BigBill threw back shots as they watched the spectacle that nobody will ever forget. The party was about halfway through when Mike Valentic inadvertently sat on Larry Payback. Payback was seated at a table when the drunk Valentic slid off a bar stool and sucked Payback's head into his ass, turning him into a brunette. Amazingly, Valentic seemed to be unaware that anything had happened and was "twisting and farting" gleefully. Payback's head was lodged in Mike's ass for ten minutes, but guests agreed he came out much better looking. The Sons also became one of the rare places in Ashtabula where people could see Mark and Stevie slow-dancing to Christopher Cross. Frosting the evening cake was Anthony who showed up dressed as Prince. St. Angelo showered RJ with flowers and serenaded him by playing "1999" on a flute. From Columbus Street the group ended up at the Rare Berry where Pucci threw up Chinese all over a stripper he claims was pregnant. Linguistic artist and club conossieur The Champ fast talked the girl into continuing her act despite the two pounds of war shu gai on her cans.

From Jail to Mail

Savarise finds calling
As promised, this week Martinis bring viewers a complete play by play of Duggie retrieving the very important Friday mail.

Martinis: Why is Friday such an important day for the mail?
Doug: Well, it's the end of the business week. You won't see anything interesting til Monday.
Martinis: What do you expect to find in the box?
Doug: Today I'm waiting for responses to my résumé, a letter from Billy, and a prize from a Lifetime TV contest.

After slow-smoking a Marlboro on the porch we started for the box. Savarise hesitated about midway down the drive, but we stuck close and crossed the street. Then, as Doug opened the container, one of the worst things that could happen happened. Something fell out of the box. Before anyone could notice, Doug scooped it up with amazing precision. A bloated copy of Cosmo was pushing on the lid. It was a close call. Unshaken, Doug pulled out two postcards, a stack of Visa Titanium solicitations, and the Penney's catalog. That didn't even put a dent in it. As usual, the box was over capacity and it took all of Doug's concentration to balance the items. Detergent samples in the box's midsection caused some swearing, but we really didn't see Duggie go flippo until he saw two long envelopes returned to sender from the Ohio State Attorney's office. "Ohhhh FFFFUCK!" screamed Doug. Ecklund's garage door started to open. Savarise knew he had to act quick. With his right arm almost completely inside the box, Doug pulled out a Janet card renewal application packaged with a free tube of the company's "Mr. Long" miracle cream. One last glance into the box and Doug knew that was it. We had gotten the mail.

Martinis: What do you concentrate on when preparing to get the mail?
Doug: Timing. You can't wait too long after it's been delivered. Usually, I light my cigarette as soon as the little truck goes by.
Martinis: How important is the cigarette on the porch?
Doug: It's critical. The cigarette lets you assess the situation outside. You're not going to want to head down the driveway if you see street workers, or if neighbors are out in the yard. You get caught talking to someone with the mail in hand, the jig is up. They see your mail.

Martinis thanks Doug and the Savarise family for their collaboration. Doug wishes that any questions or comments be addressed to "Mr. Savarise."

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Wing Dinged
Man finds poop, poultry in basement
Wednesday proved a landmark in the continuing saga of Ron Orlando's sewer woes. Heading downstairs for his morning money count, Ron was again faced with crap, this time with a side of chicken. Sewers backed up all the way to Ohio Avenue not only filled Ron's basement with feces, but, unbelievably, with chicken wings. Investigators admitted they were confused by the wings until they found a mammoth orange rocking horse in Orlando's front yard. City officials now believe the wing dings entered the sewer system from the Lake Road laboratory of none other than Lonnie Walker, wing-a-billy queen of Ashtabula. Although there was hardly any meat left on the wings, police said the street value was still about $400. In a side incident, Little Jerry was arrested Thursday when he was caught smoking the wings at Mother Cabrini.

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