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Harbor Avenue
Tigers
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Martinis salutes EA gang
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In the old days, the streets of East Ashtabula were dominated by a group of young Italians at the top of their game. The guys could be seen playing everything from craps to freeze tag, but their game was played on a diamond with four bases. These young men were the Harbor Avenue Tigers. All this month Martinis explores this group of dedicated East Ashtabulans and the mystery that surrounds them. In recent years, loose interpretations of the gang have included as many as twelve members. Sources now say the number was nine at most. Who were the real Harbor Avenue Tigers? A few can be found in this classic picture from the EA archives.
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Richie Rix
Family man has cash to blow
When his father was elected president, little Ricky was worth about 30 Gameboys and some dog-eared Garbage Pail Kids. Two years, 60 Playstations, and ten big screen TVs later, Rick has made a life for himself. Wheeling and dealing everywhere from sheriff's sales to EBay restrooms, trader Rich has acquired quite a fortune by knowing the system. Wearing Mr. Potato Heads to confuse department store cashiers, Ricky has been known to take back and rebuy the same item up to 20 times in the same day. In January Rick was selected as Sony Corporation's Consumer of the Year for 2002, knocking out even Sears and Roebuck. Putting him at the top was Rix purchase of a pair of Sony digital testicles at the cost of $2,500,000. Rich says the latest gadget from Sony's bio-electronics division should give him the courage to ask for an extension to his brainchild Big Dorks Weekend in 2004. Rick says he also hopes the new "Digicles" will end recent legal troubles stemming from a New Year's Eve shave cream incident. Richie Rick has now taken on the moxy of Miss Cindy to unload his estate and find him and Rocco a luxury suite at Sony's Tokyo Headquarters. Stay tuned to Martinis next week for coverage of a Pennsylvania auction where Rich will attempt to sell his bumbling brother Scott.
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Who am I?
I am an Ashtabula hothead. Although I am just about a household name, most people get to know me because they have to. In my office lies a large rug under which some of the city's biggest secrets can be found. I am a Star Beacon target. I have taken abuse for my business practices as well as my gruff beard which I continue to wear with pride. As a youth I bided my time between work and study in order to become a professional; I have arrived where I'm at on my own. Most people either love me or hate me. Over the years I have been associated with numerous scandals but have managed to protect the people's interests during a long tenure with the City of Ashtabula. Who am I?
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Rear Ended
North Kingsville man farts own hand off
A man underwent emergency plastic surgery this week after being injured within the confines of the john in his own home. North Kingsville codger Larry Feller said he was wiping his ass when he was assaulted by a rush of gas through his colon. The force of the gas was so strong it blew off the upper portion of Feller's hand, disjointing three fingers. After evacuating himself Feller also found three Titleist brand golf balls in the commode which he thought he had lost in a skins game late last year. Unable to make heads or tails out of the incident, Martinis went straight to the head of the Kingsville PGA, Lippy Libby. "He'll be playing the back all summer," said Lib. Big Libby says it's no secret that Feller doesn't like Italians and claims his offensive ass gas is just another step in the wrong direction. Although the Titleists in the toilet remain a mystery, one thing's for sure: This poor feller fuckin farted his hand off.
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Famous Jewish sports legends
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Mystery Question answer: The Giannelli 9
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