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Insert Coin
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Games take over basement
photos by The Grettle
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Late coming out of the box, Martinis catches up this week with coverage of a star-studded Winter 2002-2003. This year's break was marked by many good nights, not the least important of which being a Berzerk arcade game tourney. Looking for a fresh idea, Martini put the spotlight on video games and pitted guests against the bouncing smiley. Spectators looked on from the bar as players tried desperately to get their initials on the scoreboard. Highlighting the tournament was RJ, Terry's Mr. Do record, and live music by Toto. Down Under also fell victim to a month-long Bill Laveck bomb scare. The crew was poised for Bill to show at any moment after co-worker Scott Pants gave him the high sign. On the lighter side of the news, Mark Pucci spent most of the time stuck in park over break in his modified maroon Honda Accord. Mark Park.
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Political Muscle
Bodybuilder joins GOP
From Giannell Avenue to Jefferson, from Parason's to pork bellies, from Rex to republican, RJ Valentic has stepped into the politcal arena. Going for the gusto early in a fledgling political career, Valentic is running for city surgeon general. Combining elements of physical fitness and politics, RJ says he will be the city's personal trainer, though most Ashtabulans are unsure exactly what that means. But the new campaign was enough to convince RJ's family — staunch democrats from before the beginning of time — to change their tune. Currently lining Harbor Avenue are signs with the slogan "Put Muscle Behind Your Money: VOTE VALENTIC." Valentic says he owes his popularity to his campaign director, Ericka Gabriel. RJ claims the key to his success is a robust agenda that includes a drive-thru at Sheetz and cutting public housing for gays. Valentic also plans to turn Cocks n Jocks into a fried pizza stand and bring back the pop machines that sold the tall glass bottle out of that little door.
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Bill Church
Self-proclaimed rap star really goof
Letting the narrator nariat, Los Angeles rap artist Bill Church is front and center in the news this week. The story comes after an innocent ride through Ashtabula's Forty Acres district turned into a bad episode of the Real World. Bill's troubles followed a party where he gave a lift to Akron radio DJ, Jennacyde. Taking the long way home, Church talked about his music and his upcoming recordings in a new ProTools studio. Problems arose near 28th Street, however, when Bill tried to show Jenna his pro tool. Bill told Jenna when he takes a girl home he expects a steamed up Meatmobile. But it was no dice for the lyrical assassin. Jenna said she'd only play Bill's album on the air if she could loop farts over the top of it. Today, the Roman Maroni of rap music is back on the streets of LA, still without his prized pop-up police baton. Church says he's felt defenseless ever since he sold the Whip's Magic-looking weapon to Mike Valentic in 1994.
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TOP TEN OVERALL WINTER HIGH SCORES
(GAMES AT FACTORY SETTINGS)
10. Mr. Do - 39,900 - The Ankor
9. Time Pilot - 140,100 - JJB
8. Mario Bros. (single player) - 71,270 - MRK
7. Elevator Action - 43,450 - JJB
6. Frogger - 18,520 - JJB
5. Pac-Man Plus - 25,740 - MRK
4. Berzerk - 9590 - MJO
3. In the Hunt - 125,550 - JJB
2. Carnival - 10 - Mike Valentic
1. Quest for Tires - 350pts - Billy
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Rix
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Mystery Question answer: Pinky
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