Martinis 10 December 2002Email Martinis
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Slumming It
Orlando lives in filth

All smiles, Little Joey Orlando stands outside of his new shanty in Virginia

Joey Orlando had a scare put into him this week when health inspectors were called to his Virginia home. Cousin and neighbor Ronnie O said Joe's troubles started when he purchased a run-down house in a hispanic district of southern Virginia. Ron, who solved most of his future babysitting problems when he moved in next to Aunt Norma, said there's no excuse for Joe to live in a shack. "It's his life," said Joe Senior. Standing just three meters from the block's shared barbecue pit, the glorified port-a-potty has adobe floors and a peculiar high driveway almost impossible to climb. But Joe claims he's happy in the new dwelling and says it will just take a little bit of adjustment. Saturday, things worsened outside Joe's front door when some kids hustled Norma out of her hairnet using a crude type of Spanish street dialect. Secret agent Mike Laurello says he and group of fumigation specialists are giving Joe one week before they raid the property and make everyone wear dark glasses.

A Three-wood from Knollwood
Kingsville comedian buys golf hole
Sancitifed sausage slinger Tony Orlando announced an unusual purchase Friday of Kingsville golf club's number eight golf hole. Dubbed the "ass hole" for its owner, the dogleg has been redesigned to suit Tony's tastes with price stickers as yard markers and an annoying Strohman bread advertisement at the ladies' tee. Next season, Tony says complimentary pull-apart bread and lobster hats will flank the number eight green. To promote his new ass hole, the king of pepperoni will also be giving away tees at the Mt. Carmel bake sale this month with the slogan "Nobody Beats Tony's Meat." Ridiculous? Maybe. But Tony's persistence and unbending confidence in his beef have golfers likening him to Rodney Dangerfield in Caddyshack. Naturally, all this came to the dismay of Kingsville's blushing brigadier general, Lippy Libby, who said Tony will be playing behind old ladies all next year. Orlando has already been fined $250 for vulgarly farting out of the side of his mouth at a Kingsville council meeting.

Where's It COMINGFrom?!
Duggie demands financial justice
Despite a wartorn economy there seems to be a lot of new money flying around Ashtabula these days — and Duggie wants to know where it's COMINGfrom. Sick and tired of young prima donnas pissing away their parents' cash, Duggie has taken up arms against the very personalities he used to run with in his heyday. Savarise, once known for his two and three thousand-dollar weeks back in the 80s, has changed his tune and plans to dive to the darkest depths of people's finances. At the top of the list are fly-by-nights with flashy cars, fat guys on Klonopin, and trashy bimbos that somehow come out on top. So where is the money COMING from? Doug says he may never really know. But even if he did, he wouldn't know where's it's going. "Oh I KNOW where it's COMING from . . . but where is it GOINGGGG??".

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Martinis Bukake
Basement to host vulgar party
This christmas "Undergoers" will notice a slight change in the class action of years past. Unconfirmed rumors say a bukake (pronounced boo-KAH-kee) party may be set for december. Martini is not making any statements as of yet but Neighborhood sources say young girls have been auditioning Down Under for two straight weeks. With loud noises and strong odors, it was difficult to keep rumors from flying this Sunday during the changing of the guards at Aunt Anna's kitchen window. Birdwatchers have even confirmed strange types of exotic furniture being delivered to the underground lounge as late as this week. "Whatever he's got going on down there it's about as normal as Fran Grippi on raw garlic," said Neighborhood professor Marty Shula. Normal or not, residents may be in store for a full-flown bukake party this winter. Anyone interested in the origins of the Mongolo-Japanese celebration may contact Cruton Li via periscope from Laveck's manhole. Stay tightly tuned to your hotbox for more news on Martinis Bukake.

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