Martinis 8 September 2002Email Martinis
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Senseless Fence
Ornery businesswoman childproofs house

After some hard work, Little Alex Orlando crawls through the St. Angelo's new fence on Diamond Drive

A new fortress has recently been finished in Harbor Avenue Heights. Construction workers have extended the fence on the old Decato house, rendering the place virtually impenetrable, even to its owners. Resembling a World War II stockade, the architectural wonder is actually the home of exterior design mogul Cindy Bono. "We did it to keep the dog in," said Cindy. Cutting the horseshit was Angie who explained the new fencing was really erected to keep Mark Orlando's kids off her property. Neighbors say Cindy was livid about the children hanging around her driveway and recall her saying she couldn't stand those "crazy kids" in her yard. Cher swears she was never a kid, and even when she was, she never liked herself. Rumor has it the situation came to a boil with Alex when Cindy yardapolted the little milkman clear into 23rd street. So far, Cindy's line of de"fence" has gone over like a reggae band at a Klan meeting. In their closing statements for the summer, the Coffee Klatch said Cindy's twisted ideas are the result of a chronic case of gossip-on-the-brain. Out the store, Joe Orlando has indefinitely suspended the family's free shipments of Tyler Mountain spring water and says if Cynthia's not careful he will have Jeff Allen "smack her bucket." Neighborhood polls have pinned Cindy as the furthest thing from pop idol Big Dave, more apt to give kids a "Sure come on in now alright you kids hit the basement." Tuesday, the Don called in to congratulate the queen of real estate on her upcoming role in American Beauty II. Martinis wishes to echo Dave's sentiment and further commend Cindy for her often forgotten early role in the Wizard of Oz.

Nuts about the Lawn
Joe Orlando obsessed with grass, not the kind you smoke
From the guy who puts grass seed on his Corn Flakes comes a story of love, life, and a lush green lawn. Fanatical turf physicist Joe Orlando has spent his life working on a formula for a well kept yard. Year after year, Orlando has had the greenest lawn on the street, but he's paid a pretty price. This year Joe went to court for slapping the Chemlawn guy and was condemned by neighbors for continually tormenting his personal gardener, Al Guerini. Besides cutting, Al has been contracted to aerate the lawn, reseed it, spread manure, and, this year, even let some crippled Peruvian flamingos graze the plot for good luck. Joe admits it's been difficult to curb his obsession for a drastically raised mower deck, which has little or no effect on the lawn's length whatsoever. Joe's got Alan so bent on leaving everything high that Guerini has now developed a strange tic where he pulls his pants up feverishly and mows the lawn on stilts. Those aren't the only strange things going on. Last week, Walnut Beach lifeguards were called in after Joe covered Jeannette in sod and left her under the sprinkler for two days. This August Orlando created a new world record category when he forced Fudd to cut the lawn 350 times in one week with the mower completely turned off.

AL's Locale
Dancing car dealer returns to Ashtabula
Florida automobile tycoon Dancing AL is out of the car business these days. Reports in from Palm Beach say the ex-Datsun dealer is taking things in a different direction. AL says he and his chauffeur, José, will be up to look at some Harbor Avenue property that AL will level to make way for his controversial new Italian-Arabic bistro, "AL-Quaeda's." The new place will feature AL on the accordion, together with late-night screenings of Airport starring AL's cousin, Huggie. Although everything looks like a go, the whole plan is not finalized yet. Al says he still may scrap the idea for a Cedar Point style mine ride to be built on the same property. Dancing AL stopped selling cars after a group of Playboy bunnies lead by Ahmad Rashad invaded his car lot last June.

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