Martinis 14 July 2002Email Martinis
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Peace Be With You
Deacon agrees to EAmandates

Martini and Mike Baliff clink glasses Sunday as they sign a peace accord reinstating East Ashtabula tradition.

Mount Carmel deacon Mike "Mickey" Baliff had a scare put into him this week as he was threatened by a couple of EAwiseguys. Troubles come after the reformist pastor pulled the plug on some annual East Ashtabula events connected with the Mount Carmel Festival. For some time now, parishoners have been disagreeing on several festival policies, including the Baliff beer garden and early Feast closing times. Baliff has also been under continual pressure from Italian church members about the bazaar being infested with "hillbillies in pink jean shorts." For the no-holds-barred inside story Martinis went direct to parish council poo-bah, Terry Terrio. "Lemme tell ya somethin," said Ter, "This Feast would be a helluva lot better off if Balish got rid of that fuckin fruitcake DJ, Vinnie Coast." Even parish council was hard-pressed to support this year's last straw as Baliff decided to limit the Procession walk down to Cellitti's and back. Archbishop of North Kingsville Sam Orlando said he's afraid the parade will never again pass by his parents' and grandparents' houses. Orlando claims the Camaro-driving deacon is eliminating long-standing East Ashtabula traditions to prove the shortsighted point that he can do whatever he wants. But it was curtains for Baliff after mass Sunday when two goons from 11th Street straightened him out in the cry room. Deacon Mike has now agreed to a 20-page treaty proposed by the EA senate that should reinstate everything from Mary Bernato to the angel high-wire act. Baliff can go on preaching provided he recognize all East Ashtabula traditions included in the pact. Martinis has further amended Baliff's contract as deacon, adding conditions that he light off M80s during the Procession and serve highballs to fried pizza workers. Stay tuned next week when Deacon Mike comes face to face with Father Vacca's dog, Cindy.

Fools on the Hill
Foreigners divide picnic
Reminiscing felt funny at the picnic this Fourth of July. Family members said they saw a lot of people, but were surprised at how many of them they didn't know. Martinis has received numerous complaints of unknowns at this year's event, even a table of hungry little old ladies who didn't budge from their seat the whole picnic. Draped in the American flag, Tony Orlando spent most of the day talking up his shrink-burgers that shriveled to the size of silver dollars when you got em near a flame. Strangely, Tony kept saying the cheese for the hamburgs was available by credit card purchase only and proceeded to check everybody's VISAnumbers. During the dessert, Neighborhood greenskeeper Joe Orlando went around telling people to "raise the deck!" but no one knew what he was talking about. Despite muggy, 150-degree conditions, Duggie was sporting shorts, a beard, Doc Martens, and wool socks. Martini says this year's liberal "open-invitation" picnic was too detached from the old style Neighborhood classic and promises new management in 2003. Partygoers agree Hill officials should have been looking to streamline the picnic, instead of flooding it with non-family members. Martini says next year all in-laws, Mexicans, and other charity cases will be welcome down Lake Shore Park to feed the seagulls.

Tater Tosser
Mad cook works cafeteria line
Dropouts are in summer school this month watching Ashtabula's one and only Crazy Chef toss tater tots. Plagued with cheese blocks and milk cartons, the gourmet's latest position is really the result of a job hunt gone sour. After endless applications at the high school, the chef said she was elated when they told her she could finally be a substitute. Little did she know she'd be subbing for mess hall warden Chuckie Spence. Kitchen drill sergeant Mrs. Roads was actually forced to send the overdressed cook home her first day on the job when she tried bringing a briefcase and day planner into the kitchen. "She thought she was gonna teach class here or something," said Chuck, "I told her to get her smock on and slop the SPAGS!" Despite Neighborhood ridicule, the Crazy Chef said she's well-liked on taco day and will have "Harbor Avenue" on her driver's license by 2025. Macaroni Head says she STILL works for the schools, even if she's fryin buffalo chips and drinkin bosco.

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