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Back in Business
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Savarise re-opens sausage stand
photo by PAT
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After heated debate over what Doug Savarise has been doing home the past few weeks, Aunt Anna called in Martinis to investigate Hawthorne Avenue's latest hush-hush situtation. The fact is, Duggie has spent the last month restructuring the business that brought him tremendous success in the 1980s: a sausage wagon. Sources tell Martinis a new recipe given to Doug by Italian sausage wizard Elmer DiCesare should even give the veteran Cunningham a run for his watermelon this summer. Savarise says he plans to undercut the West Side lunchwagon at all the city's major festivals, including the Mount Carmel Feast and Harbor Days. "I'm fucking selling it ALL AFTERNOON!" said Doug. Unfortunately, the fact that Rug isn't exactly talking about sausage has made it a little difficult for him to set up shop in town. So far, Savarese has been booted from Bridge Street, the Ashtabula Plaza, and the Sons of Italy parking lot.
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Showing His Groceries
Deli man depanted at airport
Tony Orlando was strip-searched at the airport last week. Although Hopkins officials claim the grocer was a victim of random security checks, rumor has it Tony's distinctly Sicilian look made him an easy mafia target for customs agents. Returning home from a deli convention in South Carolina, Tony was stopped and told to completely remove his clothing in order to be searched for weapons or cubesteaks. After pleading with police, Tony stripped right down to a pair of Keebler undershorts he said were awarded to him for his Animal Cracker sales. Suspicious of the shorts, police told Tony to lose the cookie spiel and show his groceries. Orlando had no choice but to drop his drawers, revealing a half pound of ground chuck and a tattoo, "You can't beat my meat." "What the hell's that supposed to mean?" asked one of the guards. "Officer, I got the biggest dong in North Kingsville," replied Tony, "and there's no filler in that." After confiscating the small package of ground meat, customs officials told Orlando they didn't appreciate his talking out of the side of his mouth, but that he was free to go. Tony said the coppers were dicks at first, but softened up considerably after he gave em each a sleeve of Slazengers.
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Who am I?
I come from a long line of nervines. Although I should have been a Harbor Avenue resident, I've spent most of my time chasing skirts at the Citadel. I have done well with my studies but have never been able to get over the fact that I am an illegitimate son. My father is an intergalactic bullshitter. When I was 17 he got me my first job as bartender at Frenchy's Lounge. I have made numerous trips to the Neighborhood where I am usually mistaken for Freddie Mercury. My first name is a nearby city in Ohio as well as the married last name of a famous Ashtabula gossip. My brother gets nervous at picnics when he can't get a "scoopadat." Who am I?
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TERRY GUERRIERO'S TOP TEN FILMS OF ALL TIME
10. Beach Blanket Bingo
9. Blue Hawaii
8. The Groove Tube
7. Bachelor Party
6. Porky's
5. Gidget
4. American Legion Fourth of July picnic video 1989
3. Hollywood Nights
2. Funeral Guys
1. Paint Your Wagon
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Jocko caught in the Stress Box
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Mystery Question answer: 10 minutes
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