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Shaken not Stirred
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Staff promotes website
Miss, Jen, and Miguel enjoy Harbor Avenue's drink of choice at a Martinis dinner party in south Florida.
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Palm Beach, Florida was host to this year's Martinis Ball. Held around the pool in the Sunshine State's snobbiest resort, The Breakers, the star-studded affair featured over a hundred different types of martini cocktails and over 50 kinds of toy fart machines. When asked to describe the event, Mike Pucci said it was a hip scene, but that he would have rather passed out on the Pavilion.
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Work Syndrome
Orlandos diagnosed with labor sickness
Ron and Joe Orlando became Conneaut's latest two cases of Work Syndrome last Friday. The two brothers said they went around in circles at ACMC, but were finally diagnosed after seeing an all-natural Viking doctor recommended by their nephew, Bobby. Not to be confused with water-on-the-brain, Work Syndrome compels a person to work ridiculously and drive Buicks until they are "all clappy-eyed." Rumor has it the workaholics have been double-timing it with cat naps to quench their thirst for the only thing that gives them pleasure. To compete with Kingsville's ridiculous deli sales, Tony Sardine has taken the past month to update the expiration dates on their most popular beers, Old Style, Stroh's, and Bud Dry. This week, Ronnie made Jeff Allen put up and take down 40 cases of RC for no reason, while Joe has been on coffee patrol. Juan Valdez says he recently slapped the shit out of two stockboys who failed to pull the Folger's to the front of the shelf. To be sure, the Orlandos can't get enough work and are now actually planning to lengthen the store's painfully long workday. Ron and Joe claim to know every little old lady in Conneaut and say if Mrs. Frickenbrick wants to pick produce at 6am, the store is hers. Although Work Syndrome is highly contagious, doctors have discovered that certain types of people are completely immune to the disease. Currently, scientists at the Cleveland Clinic have been working around the clock on PAT to see if they can isolate the antibodies.
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No Good
Little Billy hard to please
Guru of gloom, prince of pessimists, Little Willy Savarese is back in the news this week. The baby-faced bullshitter has been making waves in the state capital with a new philosophy: It's no good. A blend of cynicism, mockery, and outright contempt for mankind, the philosophy basically stems from the fact that, for Billy, nothing is just ever any good. In an effort to brighten his mood, Martinis set out to give Billy boy some stuff he couldn't badmouth. Attempts were made to reward Savarese with various items including buried treasure, eternal youth, baccalà, the ark of the covenant, and even a helmet washing from pop star Brittany Spears. It was no use. In the end, it was, "'Bill, how was it?' — 'Naa, it wasn't that good.'" What's more, Billy claims the dreams come true are just more fuel for his snowballing negativity. The kid says he's afraid there's nothing that will satisfy him anymore, though he admits the jury is still out on taking a shit, tits in your face in the morning, and that Madigoooooooooooooooooooool.
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Tanti auguri!
Fritz hits 85
A jammed Crow's Nest was the scene Sunday for the 85th brithday party of Ashtabula legend Fritz Ferritto. Among the celebrities in attendance were Fritz's sister Terri McCarthy, her son, Jim; Fritz's cousin Pete Bernardo; and Terry Orlando's old little league coach, Butch Reda. From California to New Jersey, guests mingled into a dominantly East Ashtabulan crowd to give their good wishes to some of the only royalty Ashtabula ever had. Naturally, Joe Saint was heading the large Cuban cigars table, while others enjoyed the music of Cleveland area band, The Gigolos. Together for over forty years, the all-Italian group has played at many of Northeast Ohio's classiest nightclubs including The Bluegrass and Cherry's. The party was a landmark in a rich legacy that has made Fritz one of the toughest acts to follow anywhere around. Through his lifelong support of Ashtabula City, Mr. Ferritto has touched the minds and hearts of many — much more than most people can ever know.
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Guys "in to" Joey for about five grand
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Mystery Question answer: Charlie Gramma
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