Martinis 6 January 2002Email Martinis
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Happy Hilladays
Guy's girls pose for christmas classic

photo by PAT

On the hill, Gaetano gathers up a couple of his girls for a vintage christmas shot. All this week Martinis salutes Uncle Guy.

Jack Daniels
Martinis welcomes Jocko
This week the staff takes a time out to introduce the newest face on the Martinis dartboard, Jocko Savarese. Without further ado, Martinis wishes to swear in Jocko and congratulate him on his recent triumph of the Horse's Ass category in the Ralph Parmigian Awards for Neighborhood Excellence. Laughing stock or not, Jock says there is no bigger honor in his book than to be a target on the classiest site in cyberspace. "Martini, this road soda's for you!" said Jocko, "BURRRP!" Jocko says his new year's resolutions include curing a toe fungus and overcoming some rocky relations with his in-laws. Bill and Doody turned their noses to the Jockster after he beer farted on a bell boy in an Atlanta hotel lobby last May.

Rub a Tub Tub
Backyard spa proves new toy in 2002
After two years of well-lit pachysandra, Don Savarese and Al Guerini have finally announced two new yard items that will take the place of everybody's favorite landscape lights. Replacing the little shrub lamps this year are hot tubs and mega-decks. The announcement came shortly after the Don decided to match Fud's GueriniLand creation with his own Wallyworld in Westernville. Dave has recently erected a multi-level mosquito-screened sun deck on his Columbus plot, complete with an Olympic-sized whirlpool bath. Rumor has it the whole project is part of Dave's secret dream to finish every square inch of real property he owns. Savarese claims the resort should get more Neighborhood residents to Columbus, and Aunt Loretta into a two-piece. GET IN THE TUB!

Theatrical Trailers Alternate Languages Official Web Site

Crazy Chef II
Valentic, Lindarino wrestle in supermarket
Michael Valentic was walking into Super Duper last week when he was wrestled to the ground by a woman in a chef's hat. Reports show the woman came up from behind and tried to suffocate Valentic by placing her puffy hat over his face. After repeatedly screaming "Quit following me in here! I make pasta!" the woman fled the store through the meat room, leaving her half-filled shopping cart behind. Valentic said he didn't get a good look at the cook because her face was covered in tomato sauce. Store employees identified the woman as a fanatical chef that goes by the name, Lindarino. Cashiers say the cook often comes into the store trying to force customers to taste her tomato sauce. When they refuse, she farts on them and slops sauce on their clothes. Taken into evidence were the contents of the chef's cart, which included TV dinners, a bottle of Vernor's, and some LaChoy bite size egg rolls. Authorities said they didn't think they had enough to sauté the chef until they found an abandoned Chevy Suburban filled with pepperoni sticks and 15 stolen cases of Ragu brand tomato sauce.

Cast & Crew Commentaries Cast & Crew Biographies Deleted Scenes Theatrical Trailers Alternate Languages Documentary Official Web Site

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Prime rib on a hard roll
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