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Ready to Go
Neighborhood Duo Proves Indestructible
After years of overnight booze and bullshit sessions, Jay Vegas and Martini have decided to do more of the same this season. Anybody think they're ready? Try your luck Down Under.

Merry and Mangled
Everyone Buttered at Mixer
Seen here around 4:30am, three partygoers abide by the antisobriety mandate put into place at last week's Merry Mixer.

How Do They Do It?
Residents Question Lifestyle of Local Comedy Team
Duggie's Polo shirt got ruffled yesterday as he crossed a picket line outside of Martini's Bar and Grill. The angry mob stood for 12 hours in front of the Swedetown lounge demanding an answer to the simple question, "How exactly do Jay and Martini do it?" That is, how can the two chaps just stay in and booze it every night till all hours and have a better time than people who go out on the town. "There's no way they can keep this up," said Terry Stereo, "their party days are numbered." Neighborhood analyst "Scootch" Argentina disagrees, however, saying the duo's numbers are up this year with no end in site to the strict late-night regimen of babes, booze, and bullshit. From Down Under, the two comedians have sent a periscope message to the Neighborhood in Morse Code discounting the "how do they do it" question. "If they have to ask," say J & M, "they'll never know."
A Madi-Christmas
Mixer Magical for Many
It was a double barrel occasion at the Neighborhood christmas social last Friday. For the most part, Duggie and his "specials" kept things going barside while Tom Sauce was holding court near the stairwell. Highlighting the evening was the Lucky Eleven, Angela's red pants, and Jay and Martini's awards ceremony. Not surprisingly, the best one-liner of the night went to Stevie, who came downstairs and bellowed, "Marty, who's the flunkie at the door?!" In the Hit Room, the crowd almost choked on their Larks after noticing a sign taped to Angela's back that read "Instant Goof, Just Add Booze." During a closed interview at Star Field, Jay and Martini wished to extend their many thanks to Billy Boycott, who, by failing to appear at the party, became the top contender for next year's Horse's Ass award.
I'll Handle This, Sam
Sammy and Joey's Antics Remembered
In a special segment this week, Martinis sat down to a fireside chatt with Harbor Avenue orator "Billy Goat" DeLuia to recover some lost scoop from six years ago. DeLuia was in attendance at the famed gala open house of Anthony St. Angelo in 1994 where Sammy Sprout cut Jay Vegas off from cocktails for no reason. "I-uh-never seen-uh nothing like-uh dat," explained Billy Goat, "they never even cut off-uh my brother Pierre at the Feast when he's drunk making the fried pizz'." DeLuia said the incident started when Jay Vegas approached the bar and was turned away by Sammy, who somehow figured it was okay for everybody else to be plowed at the bash. Even more ridiculous was brother Joey Sanchez who stepped in, grabbed Vegas by his lapel, and said, "I'll handle this, Sam," tossing the prank caller aside like a bad batch of bruschetta. Although the mishap did leave him quite sour, Jay says he has now equipped himself with a fresh box of Nort mothballs in case these new neighbors get any more bright ideas.

Old Scoop
Want to find any story we've run since 1997? Get caught up with last week's headlines right here or search month by month in the Complete Scoop Archive.

Mystery Question Answer:  Angela

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