Martinis 3 February 2002Email Martinis
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A Dirty Job
Local plumber tells toilet tale

Jim Barney tears a turd out of a McDonald's commode

photo by PAT

In an exclusive interview this week, Ashtabula plumber Jim Barney gave Martinis the inside scoop on a crap caper he was involved in at a local fast food restaurant. Nanny Goat Hill resident Pierre Deluia was in the East Side McDonald's Friday morning when he had to pinch a loaf of brownbread in the middle of his cheese danish. Deluia headed into the can to evacuate, but unfortunately entered a stall that Barney had been working in. After laying down some of last night's pasta 'n peas, Pierre realized that the toilet was out of service and had been unbolted from the floor with no hope for a flush. Barney, who stepped out to sell a Fleer factory set, promptly returned to the john and, after a short dialogue, told Deluia to change toilets. What Barney didn't know was that Pierre had stripped right down to his socks before crapping. When he opened the stall door, Jim saw a relieved but completely nude Deluia holding a pile of neatly folded clothes. Chuckling, Pierre said his BM broke him a hefty morning sweat and that he was forced to wipe his ass with the Jose Canseco rookie cards that were strewn on the floor. Naturally, Jimmy had to go in and remove Deluia's dump, whose odor, he said, reminded him of Goat Hill on a summer afternoon. Barney said the shitting shenanigans aren't the first he's seen and that poor Pierre was just "in the wrong stall at the wrong time."

Kinky Nurse Nick cure for slow deli sales
Nick the Nurse will be offering free blood pressure tests out the store this week. Tony says his brother's effort is part of a new campaign to promote what he calls the "healthiest deli in northeast Ohio." Orlando claims the all-natural ingredients used in their deli recipes taste better and can triple a person's sex drive. Nicky is urging all those with high blood pressure to try some of their salt-free adult pepperoni rolls made with a Chinese aphrodisiac. Other Kingsville specials include poached oysters, beef tips shaped like private parts, and horny hoagies. Starting Monday, the naughty nurse will be front and center with a stethoscope under a tent in the store parking lot. Father Sam said letting his son run around in white nylons wasn't exactly his idea of an advertising campaign, but has since changed his tune. The Shirley Street pastor has spent the last week blessing low-cholesterol Super Bowl trays.

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