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I Got You Babe
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Sixties celebrities give holiday concert
photo by PAT
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Terry Orlando's livingroom was sold out Saturday night as the Neighborhood got together for some christmas cheer and live entertainment. Highlighting the bash was some spiked egg nog, Joe Orlando in a zoot suit, and a live concert by sixties heartthrobs Sonny and Cher. After several hit tunes including "Baby Don't Go" and "The Beat Goes On," the crowd was treated to a tear-jerking poem about George Harrison by Cher, who swears she's really the fifth Beatle. The party fizzled out early, however, after somebody broke wind in the middle of their encore, "If I Could Turn Back Time."
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Pukestivus
Spence celebration slimed
When the Neighborhood sector walks into a holiday party, it's very possible the mood will shift from holly and jolly to deviled eggs and bourbon. Unfortunately, that's exactly what Bon Bon found on her couch the morning after Scott's christmas festival turned into a vomit contest. Although the evening began with some innocent drooling, one too many Ice Picks left many partyers picking corn out of the shag carpet. Everybody knew the barf meant business when Karen's brother Luke Duke slid into a pool of bile in the blue room and got his ass stuck in the fireplace. Witnesses said Duke sat there for three hours without being noticed, but was finally booted by Chuck who came down the chimney with some 80s stag films for Ricky. To be sure, it will take more than club soda and a handkerchief to clean up the situation on Westminster this year. Scott's Uncle Dean has already scheduled the davenport to be dumped over the hill behind the EAC. Unbelievably, though, the experience wasn't all negative. Bon and Chuck have already donated the Spunce sunken living room to ACMC's aversion therapy program for recovering bulemics.
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"ILL-"umination
Postman attacked by icicle lights
East Ashtabula mailman Mousey Benedict was walking up a porch on Harbor Avenue when he was attacked by a set of rogue christmas lights in the middle of the afternoon. Residents say the lights first grabbed onto Mousey's furry Russian-style mail cap, then began to twist around him like a boa constrictor. Luckily, the Mouse was able to free himself with a letter opener he had tucked in his gym sock. When asked by Martinis, Benedict described the lights as "nervous" blinking icicle lights, not unlike those sold at the F.N. Big store out by the Mall. "They were the kind of lights that blink fast as hell, you know," said Mousey, "You could see by their blink that they were ready to strangle someone." Ashtabula investigators say they have no leads as of yet, but did notice a bunch of light sets huddled under Ange Nort's cherry tree bullshitting the other night. Whatever the case, city council says they will limit the funny icicles to a 2-foot dangle by next christmas.
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See You at the Liquor Store
Ashtabulans meet in unlikely place
Lately, Ashtabulans have been bumping into each other at a place you may not guess. This holiday season, people are stocking up at Dottie's Beverage Shop on West Avenue. Now more than ever Ashtabulans are discovering the specialty shop with the selection that beats any of the goofs out on 20. Like Uncle Charlie's wine room on State Road, Dottie's got Italian reds, exotic beers, and classy service. So if you're sitting down to Boone's Strawberry Hill with your meal this christmas, consider heading over to Dot's. She may have something for ya.
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The Midnight Mass Streaker
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Mystery Question answer: Pete's Lunch
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