Martinis 9 December 2001Email Martinis
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Dave spearheads family reunion

photo by PAT

2002 is just around the corner and Dave is still working furiously to get things organized for the big Santangelo family reunion. The event is in celebration of 100 years of the family in America and will encompass the Santangelo settlements of Ashtabula, Ohio and Lodi, New Jersey. Stay tuned to Martinis for hourly updates on Dave's progress.

Ballbuster Video
Communist movie store makes people sick
This week, Martinis shakes down the shadiest operation in all of Ashtabula County, the Ballbuster Video chain. Despite all it's floorspace and blinking lights, the store still manages the narrowest selection of films in the business, not to mention a stupid new fee every week. Using a special combination of yoga and hidden cameras, Martinis intelligence agents have discovered the outfit is actually run by the KGB. The store's basic aim is to lobotomize customers into watching crap by stocking 48 copies of the latest Hollywood disaster. The fact is, Ballbuster is nothing more than a tasteless dump that caters to hillbillies in flip-flops looking to rent Armageddon for the fifteenth time. Anyone that's rented there has felt the agony as the head dork pulls up the account on the computer, then looks up like he's seen a murderer: "Did you know there are some fees outstanding?" You bring a movie back and there's import tariffs, rewind fees, service charges, insurance deposits — you name it. Somehow you leave the place, you've dropped 18 bucks, been fingerprinted, and are still without a movie. Ridden with ridiculous policies and gimmicks, Ballbuster Video's failing franchise has got Ashtabula wishing Uddhav's never left. Martinis advises all those still renting Will Smith to tell Ballbuster to take their tacky khakis and blue shirts and shove them up their ass. Any sane Ashtabulan is better off renting movies from the Big Bird across the street.

10. It's not rewound.
9. I need your passport.
8. Did you know your card is expired?
7. . . . one night for $6 two nights for 10 after 7pm before midnight on the first of the month except Saturday after five nights for five dollars with six dollars each day it's late for the price of four weekends with 50% off if you bring it back without watching it . . . etc.
6. We don't sell Dorals.
5. Did you know there is a warrant out for your arrest?
4. What do you mean, "foreign film?"
3. Good evening, we have Mission Impossible 6.
2. Would you be interested in our Ballbuster mortgage today?
1. No sir, I have no listing for "Ron Jeremy!"

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