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Way Under
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Everybody down for Thanksgiving After Hours
at far left: Conroy
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Despite a lack of parking, everybody ended up Down Under Thursday for another 4am session of booze, bullshit, and that BR-549. Martini said it tickled his testicles to be back in the saddle again and was glad everyone brought their landing gear. Things got out of hand, however, when Chad got ahold of some bad cranberry sauce and saw Muzzy Severino come out of the Ouija board. Naturally, the holiday was tough to bare for turkey assassin Mike Valentine. Mic was plagued by
corn-stuffed nightmares all weekend.
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Weed Wizards
Brunos win yardwork award
Sonny and Cher took the Neighborhood trophy for yardwork this year. The delayed announcement came after some nice weather extended a landscaping tiebreaker with the Guerinis into the end of November. Judges for the annual contest grade many aspects of the contestants' plots including shrub placement, taste in landscape lighting, and overall presence in the yard. Among this year's judges was a group of mental patients lobbying for Al's hot tub, but Sonny and Cher's overwhelming number of days spent in the yard forced the final decision. Although thumbs were green on both sides, the Brunos won in a photo finish when benchwarmer Tina Saint was thrown in alongside the new St. Angelo albino poodle, Garfunkel.
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OOOH LA-LA
Closed bar bums out Bridge Street
College students were picking their noses on Bridge Street Wednesday night after a closed La-La Cafe left them without a watering hole. Many students say this is the first Thanksgiving they remember without the prize-winning pub, and they hope it's the last. "I really miss bumping into the guys playing pool and getting my teeth knocked out," said one student. For lack of anything better to do, many partyers spent the evening huddled in a candlelight vigil in front of the empty La-La, screwing with Bridge Street security guard Paul Reed's walkie talkie. Others less fortunate ended up on Klonopin at the Spot Cafe playing the bowling game til 6am. In a haiku poem sent to Martinis, Fifth Street officials insist that Ashtabulans coming home in december are not to worry. PAT says he should be finished winterizing the Bum Boat in time for christmas.
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TOP FIVE PULL-OVERS
5. Public Drunkenness - Big K
4. Underage Purchase - Jet, guns drawn
3. Vandalism - Walnut Blvd., "There's Joe"
2. Loitering - Geneva on the Lake, taken in for no reason
1. DUI - Route 20 during Hirststock II, Pucci forces car left of center
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RJ's wedding date
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Mystery Question answer: Pinochle
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