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Calabrese Club
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Norts Celebrate Anniversary
from left: Dirt Dispenza, Ange and Loretta Notarianni, Betty and Charlie St. Angelo
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To commemorate 50 years of marriage, Angelo got his buddies into Pennsylvania's most exclusive Italian lounge this weekend, the members-only Calabrese Club. A classy dance band was just what the doctor ordered for Ange, who spent most of the evening shaking his ass with nearly every girl on the floor. The music was swinging and the scene was hip as Chaz threw dice using coach Albert's can't-miss rolling system. At one point the group even had the whole place in stiches talking about snuff-top baseball. The evening ended on a sour note, however, when everybody got stranded outside after the valet couldn't find the keys to Dirt's golf cart.
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The Mall Monster
Big Store Too Big
A new zip code was issued to Ashtabula County this week in preparation for the latest and largest megastore out by the mall. Construction is already underway for "F. N. Big", literally the biggest store in the universe. Recently dubbed "The Mall Monster," the new store will provide everything from medical care to auto parts to food items and housewares. Representatives say they want the complex to be a place where you can have your colon cleaned out, check your brakes, and still get your cereal on sale. Twice the size of the mall itself, the spaceshuttle hanger will include a church, hospital, two Main Moons, an erotic shop, and a sperm bank. F. N. Big will feature Chevy Suburbans as shopping carts and provide customers with a new oversized credit card, even bigger and more clumsy than the menus at Ruby Tuesday. Those sick of Sunday mass can now donate money and get an
e-sermon, all with a quick swipe of the new F. N. Big church card. As expected, all employees will be carefully selected from a halfway house in Monroe Township, guaranteeing customers the raunchiest level of service they could ever wanna deal with. Rumor has it the store is so F. N. Big that many Ashtabula females are getting off just thinking about it. Stay tuned to Martinis next week for Dr. Duggie's discourse on F. N. Big's security policies.
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Boobless Birthday
Lanes Wants Clean Celebration
Aunt Flora will return to St. Angelo's Lanes this month, but not to work the desk. Flora will be celebrating her 80th birthday out the alleys and says there could be no better place to party. "I might get on the mic just for kicks," said Aunt Flora, "and I think I wanna throw a couple balls." On the Hill, Tony Orlando said he's lobbying for some nudity at this year's event, but is not getting any support from practical jokesters Fud and Ronriguez. Unfortunately, no strippers will be allowed at the get-together this time, but Dave said he will be running his jackpot game again. The Lanes doors have been closed to strippers and sexy telegrams after a showdown between Shirl and Cindy four years ago.
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Coming to a Theater Near You
» Bridge Street Bozos
» There's Something About Dairy Mart
» Leaving Lake Avenue
» Up the Fart Pipe: A Documentary on Ashtabula Sexual Practices
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Sensitive Family Topics
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Mystery Question answer: It's a Bloody Mary with Clamato juice
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