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Swingers
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Aunt Anna Featured at
Neighborhood
Playground
photo by PAT
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Still known for her meat-stuffed shells at St. Angelo's deli, Aunt Anna has always been one of the Neighborhood's most enthusiastic ladies. Whether it was Sunday dinner in her backyard or a full-flown picnic like this one, kids could count on her to get things going. This week Martinis salutes Aunt Anna.
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Pumping Up at Parason's
New Gym Really White-Collar Hangout
With all the craziness over getting buff these days, many Ashtabulans are turning out at Parason's, Lake Avenue's newest fitness center. Looking more like an airport snack bar, the new club boasts air-conditioning, a pro-shop, and more TVs than NBC studios. In fact, in the midst of all the t-shirts, diet hot dogs, granola bars, and buff potions, it is hard to believe that there are actually some weight machines in the place. Those used to good old fashioned bars and free weights will be disappointed in the new gym, which lends itself less to proven excercises, and more to Ivan Drago's training in Rocky IV. Even more hilarious is the club's price tag. Currently, the center's minimum membership is ten years with 2 registration fees, a cover charge, double tax, and ten dollars in tips for the towel guy. So far, the place has become a haven for Ashtabula business owners hoping to drum up customers by walking around with towels around their necks. In the end, Ashtabula's got another clique-ish hang out that will become uncool when the crowd turns sour. But, in the meantime, it never hurts to do a little self-advertising with a couple of pull-ups at Parason's.
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Who am I?
I am the Neighborhood's, and very probably Ashtabula City's, biggest asshole. Although I have lived in East Ashtabula for some time, my family has had little or no contact with other Neighborhood residents, and has been a running joke in the city for over 20 years. I am liked by no one in the human race. My wife counted my son's pubic hairs until he was 13. I am completely underqualified for my job, where I replaced a well-liked Italian. My only true passion is making enemies with my fellow man by using my finely tuned skills of tattletale, goody two-shoes, and general pain-in-the-ass. My favorite things to do to my neighbors include calling the dogcatcher, the building inspector, and the police department. Both my wife and I have been total squares from birth. We especially enjoy Mt. Carmel functions where our children headline as superdorks. In recent times I was tormented for my failure in the Harbor Avenue Heights street project. Who am I?
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Re-Runs of Carletto's Way
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Mystery Question answer: Colt 45
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