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RJ De Niro
Valentic to Make Bronx Tale Sequel
Casting agents decided to make RJ famous this week after discovering a stroke of genius in the outgoing announcement on his answering machine. You've reached 664-6464 . . .
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A National Treasure
Savarise's Playing All Class
The seasoned talent of pianist Bud Savarise can now be heard during Happy Hour at The Tavern from 5 to 8pm.
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75 Candles
Neighborhood Celebrates Aunt Anna's Birthday
Aunt Anna celebrated her 75th birthday in July. Residents congregated outside on Harbor Avenue to eat Main Moon and shoot fireworks in the family matriarch's honor. Meanwhile, the family patriarch, Father Sam, brought lawn darts and offerings of peace from North Kingsville. "This is a serious affair that recognizes a St. Angelo aunt," said Sam. Breaking up the seriousness was Dave walking in with a coconut cream pie from "his friend Gigi's bakery in Columbus," and slap-happy Mark "Whatta You Got on Your Shirt?" Orlando. |
Uncle Gus
Martini Unveils New Staff Member
Martoni wanted to take time out this Sunday to introduce the newest member of the Martinis newscrew, Uncle Gus. Hailing from the Italian quarter of Swedetown, Gus is a man with a flare for East Ashtabula and a devotion to hot scoop about anyone living in it. "Martinis is confusing, rooted in gossip, and blatently dissects people online," said Gus, "Hell, it's the same as the Star Beatin'." Rumor has it, Uncle Gussy intends to take things up a notch, with stories covering everything from snuff-top baseball to billyooches at the Feast. Gus has promised viewers scoop they can sink their teeth into, not to mention, little down and 9.9% financing on new Expeditions out on 20 West. |
Neighborhood Invaded
New House Has Residents Up in Arms
It's no secret there's some major construction going on in the Neighborhood, and part of it involves a house on the old wiffleball field. Reports indicate the latest improvement to Harbor Avenue Heights belongs to none other than Kent State Univeristy professor Marty Shula. Professor Shula says it is an honor to be able to live in Ashtabula's Little Italy, and even promises to spy out the window in Martini's absence. So far, builders say they've found empty 40-ounces and a pitcher's rubber under the terrain, but everything is a go. ODOT officials are currently working on a plan to divert Shula's future driveway traffic out of Savarise's livingroom. |
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