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Dig Dug
Ancient Ruins Found on Harbor Avenue
There was pandemonium at City Hall this week when archaeologists dug up some ancient artifacts in Swedetown. East Ashtabula experts believe the stone objects functioned to ward off an invading tribe called the "Tarianni." Supporting evidence for the theory found on many of the pieces was the inscription,
"No Tariannis."

Mark O Gears Up for Holiday
Unable to keep out of the news, Mark Orlando and his truckster got ready for action Thursday. The good milkman says the metallic pea sportwagon will be piled even higher with junk this year and feature Archie as hood ornament.

Face, Teeth, Up to Bed
Getting Up Early Not for Everybody
This month Martinis wanted to take some quality time to bring out the beauty of all the family's early risers. Getting up well above and beyond the time necessary to be at any job, these insomniacs are the guys mowing the lawn at 7am Sunday morning. They awake at ridiculous hours and resent anyone who doesn't suffer like they do. Of course, the philosophy behind it is completely logical, "If you're up early for no reason doing stupid bullshit, you're much better off than anyone getting any rest." Naturally, all of this comes to the dismay of professional slug Mark Pucci, who doesn't think twice about missing daylight. "My sister's gotta get up for work," explained Mark, "I don't." In the end, they say older people don't need as much sleep, others must just have something burning up their ass. So whether you're 80 years old or just a prick, when you're nodding off at 7pm, remember Mark's just gettin outta the shower.
Gary TV
New Satellite Entertains Norts
Gary got a new satellite dish this week. Sources close to Martinis claim the new package has got everything G-Love's been looking for, including Showtime After Hours and reruns of Benny Hill. "Gary's got Spice and I got the Golf Channel," said Ange. Harbor Avenue correspondent Ricky James says the unit is working like a clock, with the entire deal unbelieveably hooked up to Relaxed Dave's Spacephone TV set. Rumor has it special x-rated episodes of the Iron Chef can also be seen through a secret uplink in Ange's shandy. Martini says the Nortertainment should go pretty smooth, at least until Loretta walks in the den to that 55.
The Richer Pitcher
Ron O Throws Out First Ball for Little League
Cedar Quest Park will get a treat next week when Ron Orlando and Lakeway's Stan the Man combine to throw out the first pitches of this year's Little League baseball season. Park officials say the duo's presence should be a big attraction down there. Over the weekend, Topps Incorporated made a statement promising a new baseball card in the fall. The strange special edition card will feature Ron and Stan on the golf course and list in the Beckett for over $10,000.

Old Scoop
Want to find any story we've run since 1997? Get caught up with last week's headlines right here or search month by month in the Complete Scoop Archive. Even tell us what's really going on with Martinis Submit-a-Scoop.

Mystery Question Answer:  Harbor Avenue

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