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New Scoop

You Undershtand?
John Busy on Third
Down the Dock, Big John demonstrates some of his duties during third trick.

Poop and Shoot
Big John Has Crap Attack
After a full day of hunting, John takes time out for a hefty dump in the woods. "Hey, hey! Shittin's a sport too, lemme tell ya!"

Big John's Big 300
Paolillo Throws 12 Strikes in a Row
Big John joined the 300 Club out the Lanes last Friday when he rolled his first perfect game. Pioneer League spokesman Lloyd Foyt said John looked a little shaky after the eighth frame, but managed to pull it off after Uncle Cash promised to take him for an ice cream in the Punderbird. Paolillo's score won him all ten Friday Night League prizes, including the new Fred Flintstone bowling uniform and a big smooch from Sandy. When asked for comment, John said he's sure it was the fart he was holding in the whole time that enabled him to throw with such confidence. Immediately following the game, John cracked some of the raunchiest ass imaginable, clearing all 30 lanes except some lunar bowlers passed out on 1 and 2.
Don't Squeeze the Golf Bag
John Armed with Charmin on Golf Course
As the new golf season rolls in, uncontrollable crapper Big John Paolillo is busy stuffing his new golf bag with toilet paper. This year, John says his bag will accomodate six full rolls of Charmin and four 12-packs of black cherry pop. "Hey, hey, wait a minute. Wait a minute," said John, "I have nice bowel movements, and when I gotta go, don't matter where I am." Lately, however, the crapper's beautiful BMs have got some golf course clubhouses pretty "teed off." Woody's still pissed out at Geneva after an incident on the putting green where a barefoot Paolillo shit on his opponent's ball, disqualifying himself from a skins game and burying a brand new Titleist in turd. In Ashtabula county, three courses have already implemented special rules of gameplay after complaints about players having to hit out of "casual crapola." To be sure, goofy illegal drivers, bare feet, and philosophy on every hole can make a round with Big John pretty interesting. But maybe John's bowels would be better protected with Depends Corp's new PGA diaper.
Big John, Please Clear the Runway
Paolillo Falls Out of Airplane
Sandusky, Ohio never saw a keener flying ace than when Big John flew to Put-in-Bay on a fishing trip. The outing really got going when Paolillo couldn't fasten his seatbelt on the plane and demanded to sit in a Larry chair in the cockpit. On his way up to the front of the taxiing plane, Big John bumped into the emergency exit and tumbled out of the aircraft onto the runway like a bad episode of the A-Team. At that point, there was only one thing to say. "At least I know how to fall!" yelled John, "Most guys woulda fell wrong and hurt themselves, you undershtand?" Although Paolillo was not badly injured in the accident, he did soil himself and run screaming through the terminal holding on to his ass. Next time, John says he and Punt will try taking his new used van out on the lake, if it will float.

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Mystery Question Answer:  Baloonhead

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