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HOOPLA!
Court Boasts Upcoming 3 on 3 Tourney
After last summer's restoration project, Terry O says the Court is ready to regain its heyday with new games starting in May.
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New Homeowner
RJ Buys House in Harbor
Seen here at a house warming party, RJ Pantalone beams over his new place which overlooks Wenner Field.
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Guerinimouth
Columbus Hosts Sequel to "No Deuce!"
Alison was taken to the hospital last weekend for vaccination against a stubborn strain of Guerinimouth. Similar to Tourette's, the chronic sickness is marked by a strange oral diarrhea which forces its victims to remind African-Americans of their race. Oddly enough, the disease becomes aggravated in party situations, where most people -- black or white -- are trying to have a good time. The most recent case of Guerinimouth was seen a short time ago in Columbus, Ohio, where Alison completely shut down a pow-wow in two sentences and had to be escorted out. So far, Guerinimouth has affected both Angela and Alison, and has closed down hip get-togethers in five Ohio counties. Doctors have advised the girls to steer clear of parties -- and Absolut -- for a while, and have ordered Fud to keep a close eye on little Ashley. |
Mic Awarded
New Sympathy Card Brings Promotion for Valentic
Greeting card mogul Mic Valentine was bumped up the corporate ladder Friday after a bright idea got him accolades from South American Greetings' top brass. The inspiration for a new sympathy card came after Mike learned of an out-of-the-ordinary tragedy that, luckily, was covered extensively by the Ashtabula gospel, the Star Beatin'. The new card, "Heard Your Son-in-Law's into Porn," was an instant hit in the stores, as well as many internet greeting card websites. "Guys are takin' a beatin' in that Beacon," said Mic, "and I'm sick and tired of it." Valentine says his heart goes out to mothers-in-law around the nation and hopes someone will teach the catty Star Beatin' journalists what IS and what is NOT front page news. |
Aruba Bros. Golden Dawn
Grocers Head for Sunshine
Joe & Ron O took off with Stanley for Venezuela this weekend on their 113th golf trip to the Caribbean. The tropical grocers say they don't plan on doing much outside of farting and playing golf. "I don't know much about Arubian baseball cards," said Ron, "but I bought some silver golf tee proof sets from the country club. They should give me something to fall back on." The grocers are set to return as soon as Ron finalizes the deal of buying a small island for Jerry. |
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