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See Ya In Church
New Bulletin Angers Worshipers
Click anywhere on this article to see why Mt. Carmel's new "dollar clubs" have the precious parish pissed off.
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Billy Beachcomer
Savarise Turns Hippy
After joining the monastery this summer, Little Willy plans to sit on the beach, read Nietzsche and go "eefffff-ffffff."
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Absolut Guerini
Annual Christmas Spectacle Really Hillbilly Shouting Match
As another year goes by, so does the annual Guerini booze-induced festival of insults. Transforming into billyooches this year were Jan, Al, the twins, and Duggie. The festivities started with a stink during the gift exchange when somebody came up and blew a fart on the Coldwell Banker. At one point, Duggie and Jan were even throwing drinks after a heated argument over whether the Harbor Avenue Heights streets of East 22nd, Giannell, and Hawthorne should combine under the name "Dysfunctional Drive." In the foot-in-your-mouth contest, it was Doug 5, Guerinis 4, with the most awkward moment occurring when Rug expressed his liking for the film American Beauty. When asked to make the peace out of all this, Ange said that he'd do it only if he could invite all of Frenchy's Lounge back to the hot tub next christmas. |
Your Nickel
Old Coins Conceded
Ron O officially gave up a couple proof sets to brother Bob this week in an effort to make up for a time when he wasn't feeling all that generous. Neighborhood reporter Tony de Barber has told Martinis that not too long ago Ron begrudged Bob some old Buffalo Nickels that were literally found in a couch during a christmas party. Despite Bob's offer of $125 -- let alone the fact that Ron didn't even know he had them -- Ron refused to give up the nickels that would have completed his brother's set. Little did Ron know, however, that the annual West 9th Street raw sewage flood was scheduled for the next day. Of course all the nickels in question floated away with the turds, so Ron was out the coins AND the cash. The moral of the story? 125 bucks in the hand is worth more than 4 feet of shit, or something like that. |
TOP TEN INSULTS HEARD AT GUERINI'S XMAS EVE
1. Your godson's a screwup!
2. She's like peanut butter, spread and ready!
3. MMMM! He forgets where his paycheck used to come from!
4. You'd have to take out a loan to drive this!
5. Fuck you, Bill . . . little SHIT!
6. I didn't even know Pucci could read!
7. My daughter's pocketbook is bigger than your Johnson!
8. Is that not her to a TEE?!!!! HA! HA!
9. Sorry, rug burns are NOT for me!
10. CALL THE MECHANIC !!!!
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Want to find any story we've run since 1997? Get caught up with last week's headlines right here or search month by month in the Complete Scoop Archive.
Mystery Question Answer: Muffin
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