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Flying Tractor
Joe's Toro Takes Off
Joe Bellomo's riding mower went airborne Friday as he set a new Neighborhood mowing record of 3 minutes and 23 seconds in sixth gear.
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New Sister
Holy Brunos Recognized
Sisters Roselle and Amelia announced the newest member of the Harbor Avenue church this week, Sister Cindy.
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Stolen Steak
Alison & Perry Cop Delmonicos
Alli Guerini and Perry Nort were taken into custody at Fittings this week after they were caught trying to walk out with a some Grade A beef. Sources say the two cousins were on their way to a barbecue and needed money to buy beer, so they filled their shorts with as much meat as possible when the butcher wasn't looking. The plot was foiled, however, when Perry got into a heated argument with a guy in line about Citadel football and let a New York Strip fall out of his boxers. Fittings security has stated that both Perry and Alison will be making their penance by using the slicer all week. The steak crime is not to be confused with the game A.L. Steak, a popular Court sport from the mid 80s. |
Brother Rich
Sony Delivers Bumper Pool Table
Sony Corporation unveiled the newest member of its home entertainment line this week over on Splinterhaven Avenue at the decked-out home of Brother Rich. The company says it was a pleasure to christen the new Kiddie Pool table line in Ashtabula in the house of their biggest fan. Rich, who didn't want to splurge for the full-size table, went with Sony's new kiddie version of the game with plastic balls. "It's good enough for what we need," said Rich, "besides, the balls all say 'Sony'." George and Mark say the bumpers make the game all the more fun and that you've never wiped your ass until you've done it with that new Sony toilet paper. |
Duggie's Drink
Coca-Cola Goes Everywhere with Dougster
Everyone will be able to rest this weekend finally knowing that the glass Doug carries around with Coke and ice is, in fact, stapled to his hand. The cup, which was first seen at the beginning of this summer, is blue plastic and holds up to one and a half liters of liquid. Duggie says he sweats like a pig when he's not in the air-conditioning and claims carrying the huge Coke around ensures that he has a cold beverage at any house he stumbles into. "I drink about eight Cokes a day," said Doug, "that's why I can only buy it on sale." Both Phar-Mor and Drug Mart say Duggie's on thin ice after completely cleaning them out when they put pop out for $1.99 last week. |
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