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PAT
Pucci's Attire Key to Literary Success
Mark and his sportcoat have now made their way to Jodi Sav's in Atlanta where they will be staying until winter.
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Dunked Deacon
Balish Big Draw at Bizarre
Mike Balish learned his lesson this weekend when everybody figured, "if we can't drink, we might as well dunk the deacon."
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Tale of Two Cities
Columbus and Atlanta Only Exit for Neighborhood Residents
Lately, calls pouring in to Martinis have been demanding an answer to a strange phenonmenon unique to Harbor Avenue. Since the early 80s, there has been a steady trickle of family members headed for either Columbus or Atlanta. Recently, the trickle has turned into more of a tidal wave as more and more of the clan set their sights on one of the two oases. Although the reason for the adherence to these narrow choices is still in question, it isn't difficult to see that one guy stands to benefit, Relaxed Dave. Living and working in both cities, Dave has managed to move out of the Neighborhood without missing any of the action. "It's like paradise down here," said Dave, "I'm gonna work on Terry and Ange next and get them to come down." Dave says he is entertaining the idea of another open-air party and has officially denied the accusation that he has any kind of placement agreement with the Columbus and Atlanta governments. |
Old Times, Good Daiquiris
Neighborhood Girls to Get Sloshed Again
When you think about old times on Harbor Avenue, it's impossible to avoid the legacy of the street's most famous sloshed girlies. Not too long ago, it wouldn't have been hard to find Aulie, Cindy, Mary Jo, Doody, and Kathy O completely sloshed on a patio somewhere. Back then the conversation was thick and the daiquiris were boozy. Today, good news has arrived that the group may be reuniting for a drunken tour of the Neighborhood patios, this time with new member Aunt Loretta. The tour will naturally feature the girls in their most sloshed condition, bullshitting and sipping frozen drinks the way things ought to be. Aunt Loretta wishes for all the girls to get in touch with each other and set up a time for a meeting that she will host in her back room as long as Ange won't fart. |
Neighborhood Newcomers
Ron O Decides Future of Harbor Avenue
Ron Orlando is back in the news this week, and this time his word could mean the future of Sweet Town. Reports show Ron has recently been approached by an outside organization that wishes to build a complex on his property on the east side of Harbor Avenue. The group wishes to erect a retirement home and church on the old picnic grounds, but claims both places will be geared toward Ashtabula minorities. "It'll be like a Gran Signora," explained Ron, "just more like the place across from Taco Bell." The organization says it is prepared to offer a generous sum to the Golden Dawn executive because his city property is exactly what they need. Will the proposal be enough for Ron? Joey says he's not wasting any time waiting for the answer to that question and told PAT to build a 20-foot enclosure around his compound complete with watchtowers and barbed wire. Looks like Ange's gonna need more than mothballs to get rid of these guys . |
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Want to find any story we've run since 1997? Get caught up with last week's headlines right here or search month by month in the Complete Scoop Archive.
Mystery Question Answer: Aunt Anna's
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