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Unbeatable Meat
Tony O Beats His Meat
Tony Orlando was caught red-handed in the cooler this week beating his own meat prices.
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"Dirty" Golf
Albert Out of Bounds at Court
Dirt Dispenza played through this week as the basketball court did not prove to be a hazard.
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Drunk & Stupid
Bare Boobs Bomb at Bash
Stories still trickling out from Memorial Day have uncovered a strange incident that occurred at an annual party last month. Erica Severino was enjoying the "Drunken Stupor" celebration on Carpenter Road when she decided to begin breastfeeding her baby, Iva. Party pooh-bah Terry Guerriero stood bewildered as the new mom pulled out her breast right in front of him. "I never really saw that kind of thing before," said Guerriero, "but I didn't really think it was the time or the place." Guerriero said he was disappointed at the sudden nudity because he always envisioned girls getting naked at his party for better reasons. |
Potluck Party
Picnic Patron Really Last Year's Money
At an open air meeting this week, Sammy Sprout issued a statement claiming that this year's picnic costs will be covered by an anonymous donator. Rumor has it that Atlanta lemon oil tycoon Ron Savariguez will be donating a tent, furniture, dinnerware, hamburgs, booze, and more to this year's event, demonstrating one of the largest acts of generosity since Uncle Charlie's Christmas hayrides of the 1980s. Uncle Ange, when asked about the mysterious donator, wasn't entirely convinced much money was being given. "Ronnie's donatin' his asshole," said Ange, "Are YOU kiddin? Sammy 'n Fud went 'n sold the cases of last year's vodka in their basement, that's all." Whatever the case, the Picnic Committee finally realized that potluck is what picnics are all about, casseroles and potato salad. |
Beemer Bandit
Secret Burglary Kept Secret
Two Picnic Committee heads came up empty last weekend as Harbor Avenue was invaded by thieves. Picnic gurus Sam and Cindy were flabbergasted when they received a phone call from police asking if they knew their BMW was lying in a ditch on Ann Avenue under the overpass. Reports show the flashy German realtycar was stolen right out of Samcin's driveway, then taken for a joyride on Eddy Road in East Cleveland. Strangely, the burglars also snatched the family dog, Simon, who later was found by police spraypainted white in the passenger seat with his safety belt on. When asked why he failed to warn the rest of the Neighborhood about the potential property threat, Sam replied that he was not about to risk his position in picnic politics for a couple of carjackers. At a press conference Martini said that although he does agree black is a sharp color for the Beemer, it would look nice painted yellow in his driveway. |
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Want to find any story we've run since 1997? Get caught up with last week's headlines right here or search month by month in the Complete Scoop Archive.
Mystery Question Answer: Carl St. Angelo
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