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Sammy Sprout
Pushy Gardener Lurks in Neighborhood
Relaxed Dave says if Sam doesn't cut the gardening advice BS, he'll feed him to the dunkey.
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Magic Mechanic
Dayton Locksmith Heads South
An emergency job has taken everyone's favorite mechanic to Atlanta this week.
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Rant Rekindled
Severino, Pucci Part Ways at Stag Party
Latent tension from Mark Pucci's controversial Rant came to a boiling point last weekend at a bachelor party at the Sons of Italy. The party, thrown in honor of Kip Christen, was disrupted when Pucci met eyes with Stevie Severino who gave the author a guilt trip about failing to visit his new baby girl, Eva. "How long you been in town, Mark?" demanded Severino, "Why didn't you come 'n see her?!" Stevie immediately turned his back to Mark to continue a barside conversation with buddies Bill Tucker and Aaron Platt. The confrontation, which marks Round 2 of the Pucci-Severino bout, comes after Stevie ended the feud's opening round with his Rebuttal this past winter. |
Fence Rider
RJ Gives Martinis Green Light to Attack Family
RJ Valentic officially gave Martinis his blessing last week and told us not to leave any stones unturned when it comes to making fun of the family. "I think you should just go after everybody," said the Giannell Avenue politician. For some time now Valentic has been stirring the shit in the Neighborhood, tipping off our news crew, then conveniently bashing us in front of the people schmoozing at Aunt Anna's. One tactic he uses when a story is in question is to let everyone talk and tell them if they're wrong. "I'll give you one guess who that's about," says RJ. Martinis spokesman Jay Chang has assured Valentic that he doesn't have to worry about any oversight and that he can lose the goody-goody routine in front of the Picnic Committee: "We're not going to spare anyone, not even RJ." |
Holy Dope
Kingsville Priest Recalls Marajuana Incident
In an exclusive Martinis interview Father Samuel has confirmed recent rumors concerning some magic herbs hiding in his basement ceiling. The good father says he never noticed the funny foliage until it literally hit him on the head a couple decades ago. "I was in the basement looking for something," explained Sam, "when I hit a ceiling tile and a whole bag of this stuff falls on the floor." Naturally, the priest's children bore the brunt of the blame as the dope downpour sent him into a sermon about everything from heroin to homelessness. Sam says he made everyone bury the weed in the grape vineyards behind the house and admits he did stand guard in the living room watching for the cops. |
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Want to find any story we've run since 1997? Get caught up with last week's headlines right here or search month by month in the Complete Scoop Archive.
JUST IN: 56th Annual Corporate Picnic set for July 2nd and July 4th, Ange says he's putting his nametag on his ass!
Mystery Question Answer: 1988 Black Mercury Cougar
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