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A Polo Garden
Savarise Kids Keep Yardwork Classy
There's nothing more comfortable than a nice polo shirt and slacks when your working in the yard. Just ask Duggie. He and Billy say they will rake grass and pull weeds all summer wearing nothing other than Polo or Hilfinger. No bending over for these two.
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Evil Kanevil
Turkey Omen Haunts Valentic
Mike Valentic hopes to beat Bill Laveck's record for the most car accidents this summer and says turkeys and airbags won't stand in his way. So far Valentic has managed to hit a 30lb wild turkey on 90 East and a drunk illegal alien who fled the accident scene in downtown Cleveland.
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Picnic Canceled
Guilt Overwhelms Committee Members
Due to mounting tension since last year's debacle, the Picnic Committee has decided to shelve this year's plan, which was tentatively set to take place at Joey's on July 4th. Sources tell Martini's that dissension amongst Committee members has hampered the group's goal of designing picnics to take your money. "Martini wasn't the only one last year with something to say," explained Ron Jeremy, "Ave, Gina, and Nicky came outta the woodwork with their own lines of bullshit." In an interview with Martini reporter Fox Davenport, the Committee President said there will be no picnic in 2000 "because of that fuckin asshole." Although confusion still exists about whether Joey will host the picnic this year, one thing is for certain: Dirt Dispenza will not be invited. |
All Choked Up
Respiratory Problems Hamper Guerini Girl
Concern spread over Harbor Avenue this week as Angela experienced some breathing problems. It all began after an evening on Bridge Street when Angela felt some tightness around her throat. She was then taken to ACMC where she was told she had been choking on some chewed food from dinner. Doctors advised Guerini to chew her food more slowly and to seek medical assistance more quickly if she has choking feelings in the future. |
Washington Bikerack
Kids Mounting More Than Bicycles at Elementary School
Washington Elementary has become a kind of hotspot in recent weeks as a result of some extracirricular activity going on around their bicycle docking rack. Residents say the bikerack really gets going around 10pm when adolescents can be seen in the nude having sex with multiple partners. While the predominantly anal sex acts have parents in an uproar, they do not seem to bother the guys at the nearby car lot. |
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