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| Are you too interested in Harbor Avenue? Do you wanna know more about why Ange loves his Shandy so much? Well, your search is over. Welcome to Martini's, the greater Harbor Avenue area's official homepage! |
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Top Family Hairdos
Do you know them all?
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| Aunt Anna |
| Aunt Laura (with festoon) |
| The Crow |
| Shirl |
| Janice O |
| Linda Lolly (a.k.a. Steven Segall) |
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| Just relax now, like Dave says, and Martini'll buy you a drink. We got squids, PAT, and a lotttta bullshit! |
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Secret Club 2000 - Mike brings secrecy into the new millenium:
| A new and even more Secret Club has developed this week replacing the old Harbor High School model of years passed. The new group, which consists of Mike, Anthony, and Stevie, says they've risen above most of the rabble of the schoolday clubs. "We won't be |
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| seeing any more of Ape or Larson," said Secret Club 2000 spokesman Mike Valentic, "Our goal is small enrollment and more secrecy." The stealth Valentic has already implemented many new plans for the club including secret Saturday missions to Kent and OU, trips to Vegas, and secret weeknight meetings on Giannell Avenue. |
RJ's Girl - Local wiseguy gets some:
| Don't tell anyone, but RJ is back in demand. It's true he's been keeping out of the public eye, and especially away from Martini's Down Under, but that's, of course, standard procedure when hiding a girlfriend. "RJ hasn't been Down Under in a while," said nightclub |
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| owner Martini, "We don't have any laws against bringing broads." Long time pal of Valentic, Terry Guerrerio, when asked about RJ's new woman said, "He [RJ] treats me like a mushroom when it comes to this stuff . . . keeps me in the dark and feeds me horseshit." Despite an ornery crowd Down Under, as mayor of Jefferson, Valentic says he has a duty to the public to keep his private life as private as possible. |
Carrying on a Tradition - Bob O's generosity reminiscent of Uncle Charlie: The family will be preparing this week for what is being called the biggest christmas party since the Holiday Inn blowout of the early 80's. Calling the shots in this one is none other than B.O. himself. Despite sore feelings brought about by a family birthday party in weeks past, Bob and Shirl have done a lot of preparation for the event and they say everything is set to go. Some 130 partygoers will be enjoying an open bar, free bowling, and great food from Shirl's kitchen. Naturally, there will be no charge for the get-together that some are saying is being done in the tradition of Harbor Avenue hero Charlie St. Angelo. "He's picking up where Charlie left off," says Martini, "he has a heart of gold." The fact is the party is being done without any fees, decks of cards, or numbers to take, à la the too forgotten picnics of days past. Aunt Betty, when asked what Chuck would have thought, said that he would have been the first one to offer Bob his help.
SPUNCE OUT! - Local Crow's Nest Icon Settles Down: A bombshell was felt Down Under recently when Westminster's own goofball Scott Spence turned in his badge and announced his pending retirement. "I can't believe he's gone," declared Down Under patron Mike Valentic, "We didn't always see eye to eye about sports, but I miss the goatee." Spence's fans take note, Scott's last night in action will be a Festivus party on the 23rd of this month at Chuck's Bar. A special mass will be held Down Under to honor the long-time memory of our loving wahoo. Martinis Down Under wishes all the best for Scott in his future endeavors. |
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| Fud uses Geri-Curl? |
| Nicky took all the beatings for Rich & Tony's shit? |
| Fred Gage's dog, Rocky, bit everyone on the Hill without any lawsuits? |
| Aunt Anna has a secret passageway leading out of her bedroom? |
| Fred Gage sued Brad Orlando? |
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What is Bobby's actual street address?
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| Click here to see Joe Bellomo at the Blue Oyster!!! |
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| If you think you can correctly identify the studs in this pic, e-mail Martini and you could be the first to taste that goose Bobby's smokin for the party on Sunday! |
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On Boycotting
With all of the buzz of the upcoming christmas bash, many of you have probably been wondering who will be this year's boycotters. Well folks, I will tell you one thing right up front: if Jerry and Linda don't show, they will be in for a big surprise. Yes, it's true. Brad Orlando has personally informed me that if he doesn't see Jerry there, he and a bunch of guys that will remain anonymous will be jettin out there in Bobby's Mercury first to ring his neck, then to drag both him, Linda, and whatever other muckadeemucks are there sipping wine and talking about how many cases of lemon oil they're gettin' from Ronnie out to The Lanes to participate.
- Martini |
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