Martinis 17 March 2002Email Martinis
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The Sopranos
Harbor Avenue Syndicate on primetime


photo by PAT

In a nationwide search for Italian contestants, the Sopranos were selected to appear on Wheel of Fortune last Wednesday. After a good day at the track, the gang stuffed themselves at Pape's and flew out to meet Pat Sajack. No matter how much they win, Ron said he's still one up on the rest of the guys because he didn't pay for anything he's wearing in this picture. Stay tuned to Martinis next week when BigBill wears Vanna's dress.

Sultan of Spags
Caterer's secret sauce gets recognition
Elks Club owner Chuck Spence has got a beard. But he also makes good spaghetti sauce. This week Martinis tells the success story of the sauce that began in a dirty pot in the back of Chuck's Lincoln. Spence wasn't even sure the sauce was healthy until Tom and Radar convinced him to try it out on the brats uptown. Today highschoolers are suckin up Chuckie's spags like Fran Grippi's Kirby at a bread crumb festival. Spence's sauce has since been patented, canned, and is now only $2.99 at his store on 11th street. Although Chuck has done a great deal to conceal the ingredients in the sauce, brother Dean Meola told Martinis it has something to do with pig's feet and Vernor's pop. The combination has been such a hit that Rich and Mark have been dipping their johnsons in it the whole time during their 80s celebration, Big Dorks Weekend. Besides the spags, Chuckie says his staff has been getting recognition for other cafeteria specialties as well. Since working for Spence as lunchlady at Columbus Jr. High, even the Crazy Chef has got teenagers begging for her tater tots. Busy with infomercials and 900 numbers, Spence has been a pretty difficult guy to track down for comment. Finally caught at Point Park dressed as Willie Nelson, Chuck just growled, "Vodka and ice tea with a splash of orange juice, you know how Ilike it, Barbara."


Lights, Anna, Action
BigBill cans Court light, infuriates Anna
BigBill officially eighty-sixed the Court's nightlight this month. For the past two weeks, Savarise has been trying to calm down Aunt Anna, who went berzerk when she couldn't see any more action in her backyard. Anna maintains Savarise is treating her like a mushroom, keeping her in the dark and feeding her horseshit. "Ooooh, Terry, I can't see what's going gone back there!" said Anna. BigBill gave Terry O the order to disconnect the streetlamp that has illuminated the Neighborhood's basketball arena since the late 1980s. Martini said the lack of illumination will certainly make it rough on the night games this summer, but Savarise's decision will not stand. Martinis has recently commandeered Mary Francis' dog, Boogers, to run his ass off inside of a generator that will be connected to a new lamp in May. When asked, BigBill said "ah-HRRRRMM-MMMM, sounds like clean power." Whatever the case, the Court will be brighter than Joe Bellomo's christmas spots when Mike Peet's Superstar jersey is retired this August.

Theatrical Trailers Alternate Languages Official Web Site

Ales from the Crypt
New dive opens on West Side
The guy who put the "fun" back in "funeral," Larry Payback, christened his new West Avenue lounge last Friday. The new watering hole, "Calling Hours," features a rigor mortis motif with urns and carcasses flanking the establishment. Highlighting the grand opening was Dirty Dik giving body cavity searches while co-owners Huggie and Saul lead the Mt. Carmel cheerleaders on a restroom tour. The pub boasts a new open-casket bar and glow-in-the-dark formaldehyde cocktails that give new meaning to the term "stiff drink." Bent on attracting only the hottest chics, Calling Hours will push a dress code of acid-washed jeans, Tarheels sweatshirts, and gold "Italian horn" necklaces. Condoms and baseball caps will be available at the door, together with red-haired toupes, stick-on freckles, and copies of Larry's Handbook for Humping in Ashtabula City for the first 500 customers. Rumor has it the "undertaking" is just the beginning of Payback's West Side development plan. Bouncer Mark Herzog says Larry's got the moxy to make the place fly, as well as triple Elmer's sausage sales nextdoor. Despite appeals by the bar owners, city council says area day care centers and maternity wards will be closed to Larry's discount mailers.

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